Categories: uncategorized
Date: 01 June 2004 17:37:28
When first I read this I felt that this little gem really ought to be shared with the world (and mainly Us Girls) at large. So Literatea presents for your reading delectation
The A-Z Guide to the Spinsterhoodby Jane Denton
Activities to keep oneself busy
Knitting, crocheting, gossiping, peering evilly through the curtains at children in the street, jam making, keeping cats, reading Catherine Cookson or Mills and Boon, sitting at your spinning wheel.
Beauty store cupboard
Yoghurt - a great cheap cleanser, hang over smoothies (for others, spinsters should never be tipsy themselves of course) and very good for thrush.
Hair curlers
Honey- nice in tea for a comfort drink, also great for sore throats.
Nurofen- for that joyous time of the month.
Cucumber-for eyes, face packs and adding to Pimms.
Ice cubes- a girl should always keep a emergency supplies for impromptu drinks parties, puffy eyes, and certain antics ;o)
Chocolate
A bar of the good stuff gets the serotonin flowing just as effectively as a good snog.
Diamonds are a girls best friends:
to quote one of the spinsterhood's most favourite fashion icons. Being given a diamond ring by a gentleman friend means a resignation from the spinsterhood is on the cards.
Emergency Escape
An unwelcome male pays you a surprise visit. What do you do? Pop on your worst dressing gown, grab some tissues, put on some Vicks Vapo-Rub for smelly effect and pretend you're really ill. That'll send him packing.
Flirting
We all like a good flirt. It cheers up the day to think that someone out there fancies us without needing a cash incentive.
Spinsters who are in training in this area, here are a some basic key areas of flirting:
-The eyebrow flash: a well know flirt tactic and well worth a try.
-Batting eyelashes: This is used as a helpless girlie look that most men can pick up on. Just don't make it look like you've got a squint.
-Body language: don't fold your arms. Keep up the eye contact. Don't sit like a bloke!
-and lastly listen: even when he's boring you! Giggling- but not annoyingly.
God's jokes
-That massive yellow-headed spot on the end of your nose on the morning of a hot date.
-Great hair day; no date.
-The knit-wits knitting circle. Surely it can't be true??
Hot Coco
A must for any spinster who is at home and tucked up in bed by 9.30.
Imaginative underwear
Whether it's Rigby & Peller or our faithful La Senza, pretty underwear is essential. Also bear in mind: a good bra is more supportive than most boyfriends.
Just met
A funny little game spinsters can play when in a restaurant alone (nothing wrong with a spinster having dinner pour une). Look around and guess who's on a first date. Tell tale signs are as follows:
- He shows an undue amount of care and attention in keeping her wineglass full to overflowing.
- He waits till she visits the bathroom before going pale at the prices and finding the nearest exit.
- He does a very good job of stifling a yawn while she relates the story of her cat's operation.
Knitting
Always have a spare pair of knitting needles at the ready. You may need to knit something in an emergency like a fan belt (a spinsters stocking should NOT under any circumstances be removed in public).
Letting yourself go
Spinsters of any parish must never allow this to happen, even when there are no men on the scene.
Warning signs are:
1. Wearing tracksuit trousers all the time
2. Not being able to remember the last time you had your locks trimmed (yes, even when it's long hair)
3. Not knowing where your make up bag is
4. Losing two eyebrows and gaining a mono-brow
5. Not bothering to wear a hair net at night
Marriage
Don't worry about being single and not getting any offers of marriage. Who needs a man anyway??
TIP If you forget confetti at a wedding, do not be tempted to improvise with gravel.
Never date the following:
- Men who wear grey shoes
- Men who take their lunch to work in a carrier bag
- Men who use a purse
- A man who wears driving gloves
On your own
Things that are better done alone
-Sleeping in a stuffy, hot room
-Eating a large bar of Dairy Milk
-Receiving a cash reward
-Playing pass the parcel
-Doing the Mensa IQ test
Pop socks
An essential for every tweed loving spinsey.
Quandaries
Stockings or tights?
Purple or blue rinse?
Angora or Mohair for your next knitting project?
Fuschia pink lipstick or good old brick red?
Red wine
A bottle a night for every spinster. Nuff said.
Supermarkets
(24 hour) Grab a basket at around 10pm, head for the airy empty aisles and, if you're in that on-the-pull frame of mind, be on the alert, as the only other shoppers around at this time are likely to be just as single as you. The glances across the meal-for-one freezer compartment await.
Tick tock, tick tock
We have a right to ignore comments such as "how come you're not married" and "tick tock, tick tock".
Useful numbers to have on speed dial
Thresher Wine Shop
Male Escorts
Local Indian restaurant
Samaritans
Vacuuming
A spinster should never neglect her household duties, even when there are many thrilling social activities for her to be involved in,these may include. tapestry, brooch swapping with other spinsters, quilt making, and embroidery
What do men want?
???????????......?
X-Ray vision
Yes we see through the lies men feed us, so just don't bother in the first place honey.
Yippee
Your response to hearing the following:
-This weeks Women¡¦s Weekly is a bumper issue.
-Your spinster friend has a new crochet pattern she thinks you'll love.
-Tweed is in again.
-Lindemans Bin 50 Shiraz is buy one get one free in Sainsburys.
Zero:
Any man's chances with you if you catch him:
1. Using money-saving coupons to pay for anything
2. Wearing sandals (with or without socks)
3. Scratching his crotch in public
4. Sniffing constantly
5. Sporting checks with stripes
6. Wearing white socks with smart shoes
7. Buying food from the "No Frills" economy range