key

Categories: uncategorized

Tags: god-chaos-thing, depression, manifesto

Date: 07 February 2010 23:55:39

This was a good day. I talked in an earlier post about the sense that the answer to my problems was excruciatingly close, like a shadow: "the idea of no longer trying, simply being – that as I get closer to that kind of stillness, I become more and more exactly where and who I should be."

For all the cheesiness of my language, I think the next step was when I trudged instinctively towards the chapter on The Star in Jung & Tarot, which helpfully summed up the stage of the archetypal journey I'm at. One sentence, which formed yesterday's post, shone out at me:

“When the ego is immobilised, intuitions are free to soar.”


So today I tried it. We were visited by two friends who I'm normally horribly nervous around, for all sorts of reasons of guilt and history and need and hope and... ego, essentially. So I laid all that aside, and it worked like a dream. I sat and chatted for two hours with barely a flutter in my stomach. The contrast with the debilitating mess I've been in previously is like night and day.

I'm embarrassed by this because it seems so simple and selfish I should have grasped it as a child. But it took yesterday's book to spell it out in a way which made sense. To remind me that the ego is mostly just a distraction from being.

No doubt there are plenty of other factors, not least my going running again which makes me feel hopeful. And my mood did plunge afterwards, largely from stress. But hell, this is still a pretty big breakthrough. I feel like I've found a little shiny key.