realisation

Date: 10 March 2006 06:26:00

I have four lives to coordinate every morning before I step out of the door. They are always there, taking up what feels like 80% of my brain capacity. Even though one of them is an adult, and one unborn, their lives must still be planned for and factored into every decision I make. It reads like a battle plan: schools, new shoes, ultrasounds, mood swings, holidays, money, food, milk tokens, hair bobbles, transport, nurseries, CBeebies, permission slips, morning sickness, cots, baby clothes, laundry, fresh vegetables, stories, ballet classes, toilet accidents, tantrums, little-girl-politics, bad dreams (child), bad dreams (adult), oh shit she's dropped her ice cream, library tickets, doctors, dentists, road safety stickers plastered all over the carpet, bills, bills, bills and birthday parties. Before I could think about my own life tonight, it was nine o'clock.

This is a reason to be cheerful. I'm managing pretty well, considering! I felt absurdly proud of myself when I realised I'd got four people as far as Wednesday. It helps to have a decent co-pilot of course. Or maybe I'm the co-pilot, I can't remember. I hope one of us is the navigator.

Most things can wait. Nothing on the above list comprises the purpose of my life. The purpose of my life is not "get everything done". I have a to-do list but I'll still have one when I die, and half of it won't be done, and somebody else will do that stuff.

Living under pressure is a bad habit of mine. Yesterday I said things to a friend which, apparently, made no sense at all. They made sense to me, I knew what I was trying to say, but it came out as rubbish. Is that a sign of a quiet mind? Well, can you imagine the Buddha stammering out a half-prepared joke because he was nervous?

It's not how we should be. I should have been honest about where I was, and just kept my mouth shut. All I seem to need at the moment is silence, touch and tea, and that's actually a pretty tall order these days! I know lots of good people, though, and most can manage at least one of these things. Ach. Everything changes, and I can't let that pressure me either, I must just roll with things like that.

People make their own decisions, and are responsible for their own reactions.

Silly things can look like huge problems when one's perspective is skewed.

Even if things appear to change for silly reasons, those things were going to change anyway.

desires and needs are not the same thing

It's nothing to worry about, and it's okay.

I must try to think long-term about things. Everything can work for the best if it's handled the right way.

Today, I am going to enjoy life.