Categories: uncategorized
Tags: depression, life
Date: 23 December 2005 14:29:00
The purpose of this weblog is not to pour out leftover heartsludge. It’s just so people who haven’t seen me for a while can catch up with me without having to Actually Talk To Me. However, this is the first post, and it’ll have to be a bit sludgy, because that’s where I’m at just now. So that’s a mild-to-strong sludge warning, okay? Don’t say I didn’t tell you.
I'm sitting in an internet café near Princes Street in Edinburgh. The rain is greasy and spiteful and it wouldn't stop till I came in here. Now it has calmed down a bit, probably saving its strength till I go outside again. There are tourists everywhere. I’m pretty sure I saw Russ Abbot coming out of John Lewis clutching armfuls of bags and looking hassled.
It’s here, in retreat, that this weblog has its beginnings. Edinburgh is not the only thing I’m running away from right now. For the past two weeks I’ve spoken to no-one outside my immediate family or complete strangers. I’ve cut myself off because I’ve got badly depressed again recently, and I needed space to recover. Though there have been complications this time around, my main problem with this time of year is that it's all bound up with my brother's death. In another place I'd need conversation and touch, but this year is different and I just need to be by myself - with one or two Safe companions (children, dogs, etc).
I’m recovering quickly. I’ve learned a great deal about myself over the past few weeks. I’ll be okay but I need to be more careful. I am too ready to trust.
I do have people I trust. You are the people who have sat in silence with me when I've needed it. Friends and masters. I see you only occasionally, but I know, I know, I know I could give all of this to you if I wanted, in glorious detail. I’m writing here instead not because I don’t want you but because I do; because if I just dumped everything on you, I wouldn't deserve you. If I scrawl it here, like graffiti, you can read it if you want to. I'm doing this today because I haven't seen anyone for a long time, and I miss you, and this way it feels like I'm with you. And if I write it where everybody can read it, I may be a little more careful with how much you really need to hear. Which can only be a good thing. :)
I’ll expand on who I am, and where I am, in future posts. Most posts on here may end up being pretty functional, like, “Have left uni, don't want to talk about it, buy me coffee” kind of thing. But I hope to be reasonably honest here too. If you like it, read it. If you don’t, I’ll still feel better. If you want to talk to me my email is somewhere behind "user info".