Categories: uncategorized
Date: 20 March 2006 12:22:10
I spent a good part of the day with my head under my pillow. Literally. I just didn't want to come out. For 2 hours maybe. I couldn't cope any more. "Why the fcuk is it always me who needs to be apologising?" Actually I didn't start there. I started with "Fcuk the lot of you, you can all run things for yourself for a while and see how you go." Then I went to "O.k. so maybe some of it is my fault, but I had reasons." To "Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner" 100 times over and really really fast to try and block out my thoughts.
I read a page of a Lent book. Something about how we all need forgiveness for using and abusing power, even though we think we don't have any power to begin with. Then "Why can't I do anything right. Is there nothing I'm good at? I never want to have anything to do with people ever again since I seem to fcuk it up so badly all the time." Then "That's it, I'm leaving." Then I ran over my apology over and over trying to get the words right. I'll do it tomorrow. I think there was some more praying. Then I somehow knew I had to get up. 20 minutes after I knew this, I got up. And I was O.K. I could breath. I could cope. My apology which I went to deliver immediately went, "I didn't mean to offend. Hey, nice job with the house." I have learnt through too many experiences that apologies make almost everything better. Better for me anyway.
I'm still not ready for the other apology. I know I could have handled things a bit better for which I'll apologise, but my decision still stands. Still, I don't like people being angry at me.
I remember once before in a similar but much worse situation, saying, "Why me, why is it always me who does these things, why is it always me that has to start stuff, why is it always me who is pushing the boundaries?" And the whole time I was sobbing away, a little part of me was saying, "Don't listen to this please God. I don't want you to take these things away from me."
I don't know what I think about this time. Maybe this time I will leave.