Disappointment, Learning and Confusion

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 17 October 2012 10:45:35

As those of you who are friends on FB know I had a job interview this week.....for a job I didn't get. This wasn't a job which I might have liked, or which would have just been useful for the money, it was a job I passionately and desperately wanted.

Applying for it, preparing for the interview and the interview experience itself were all interesting things and I've learnt through them.

To put this in context I found the job details and applied for it on the day I heard I was unsuccessful in an interview for another job I had gone for, a job which I had gone for because it largely matched my skills set and I just need a job. I'd got home and done the inevitable post on FB and then immediately as I'd gone poking around the usual sites I'd found a vacancies which made my heart jump into my mouth...chaplaincy co-ordinator in a local FE college.

In the fortnight or so between applying and the interview I began to research thoroughly...whilst trying to keep rational about it all. But it did, at that point, seem like "a God thing". This was it, a job with a specification which could have been written specifically for me in many ways.

I began by working through the Chaplaincy Everywhere  course, which I'd already given a blog overview of. Yes it's designed as a group resource to be worked through over the course of some weeks but using it in conjunction with a journal it worked well as something to use as the basis for a series of daily "bible studies" in this situation. In fact I have realised this way of being guided through the bible worked better for me more than any set of daily reading notes I've tried to use.

Then I contacted the denominational adviser for educational chaplaincy for a quick chat. He was lovely and signposted me towards some helpful information.

I worked my way through a couple of other relevant documents on FE chaplaincy always referring back to the job description. The two really helpful ones I found were the National Council for Faith and Beliefs in Further Education (FbFE) handbook "Welcome to FE chaplaincy" and a LSC report from a few years ago on Multi-Faith Chaplaincy.

Finally I did my research on the institution in question (Equality and Diversity info, Ofsted reports, etc) and the local multi-faith group which they referred to within the job spec. Always looking back to the job spec.

At the end of it all I came to a conclusion....the one thing I really needed to be going into that interview was all that I am. Whilst I have a holistic underpinning I am the sort of person who puts different bits of my life into discreet boxes and so I am clear on the "role" that I am being required to undertake at the time. Normally that works well, (at least for the "professional" side of life), but in this case the fences were being torn down and transcended.

In the run up to the interview I let people know that I was going for a job I really wanted and that prayer would be appreciated. Whilst it was a secular funded job going for this one has been very much akin to the candidating process and somehow I wanted to know I was supported through it. Whether being that public about wanting something that badly was a good idea or not in hindsight I don't know....but it was lovely to know I had people rooting for me.

The interview itself was what I call an "x-factor" one. By that I mean it was one where you "perform a task" in the morning and then they let you know at lunch time if you've got through to the main interview panel in the afternoon or not. That actually increases the pressure for the morning I've found and the nerves showed through a little. That said I got through to the afternoon. Within the afternoons conversation I discovered that the model of chaplaincy which the job description had described wasn't actually the one which was being envisaged and that the underlying philosophy related to a separate set of social policy documents with a different heading to chaplaincy, but within which chaplaincy co-ordination is an important aspect. I was also aware that the afternoon session had narrowed it down to three strong candidates. All of us had different strengths we'd bring to the job.

At the end of the day, as I indicated, I didn't get the job. The feedback I got indicated that they understood the job description could have been a little clearer but I had demonstrated I could have done the job as envisaged and my panel answers particularly were good. It was just another candidate was a better fit for what they wanted. There were a couple of other bits of feedback one minor weakness and specific strength which I'm not going into here which indicated to me I had succeeded in my goal of just being me and seeking to sell the whole of who I am to them.

The disappointment has been there, but it's the confusion that's got me more than anything. If this isn't what I'm called to be doing what is? And if it is the sort of thing I am meant to be doing how do I find a job doing it? Jobs like this coming up, especially in the local area are rare. Add into this many of them, because of funding and their nature, are the sort of thing which often come into the roles done by Deacons and or other people who are similarly authorised by the church and I'm left trying to work out what all this means....especially in light of last years candidating adventure and the way that turned out.

Am I deluded that this is the sort of thing that would be right for me to be doing?....The evidence would say no BUT...In terms of how I should be doing it, and exactly what my calling or vocation is that's the difficult bit. Am I called to be part of a religious order? That's a crucial question for me to wrestle with and sometimes I'm sure it's yes at other times I'm not so certain. Ultimately I'm left with the same question marks others have had. Beyond that is the question of whether it is realistic for me to carry on with this search of "fulfilling my calling" in whatever environment and form seems to be right (which may well be lay rather than ordained) and is it time to try and quench this thing burning inside me which has almost turned into a bushfire over the last year or so? If so how do you do that?

There is also the thing of I just need a job and to be bringing something in. I am continuing to fill in application forms and will continue to go for whatever looks like something I could realistically do and which I meet the job spec for. In someways that's what's made the last few weeks harder. This wasn't something I was going for because I had to it was something I wanted so so much.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit but I wanted to write what was going on. Partly it ties into the wider vocational thing which regular readers have been journeying with me on. But also because I want to share the story as somebody who desperately wants to work...whose journey at the moment is one of trying, working hard to prepare but being disappointed reflects so many people at the moment.