Categories: uncategorized
Date: 27 November 2011 16:31:08
Sometimes I hate myself because of the way I struggle with church on Sunday mornings and the way I can become abit of a hormonal mess or stroppy cow when faced with clear examples of inclusion or exclusion or as today both. I have touched on some of this stuff before and so beg your indulgence if you've heard this before but I think it is important to get out. Before I start I want to make clear this is about me but it's not about me - it's about getting people to think what we are doing or not doing to include or exclude people inside and outside our congregations.
The frustrations began this morning as I walked into church and asked for the large print hymn book. The stewards on the door did not know where they were and said they weren't sure we had any. Now, I know where they live and so went to the back of the stand the books live on and got myself one. I had grabbed a song sheet out of a hymn book in front of me - as is my habit, but was not offered any of the other sheets. I went back and asked for a notice sheet but was not aware that there was another one we were meant to have gotten.
Inclusion point number one soon followed when I was asked if I would do one of the readings...no problem, happy to. I asked if there was an order of service I could have. I was told that there was not a spare one but the person next to me had one. She was also doing a reading and so I assumed that was why she had one. The print on it was a little small but no worries, at that point.
It was only after the service started that I realised that the orders of service I thought had just been given to the people involved were more spread around. They were a bit of paper I should have had. Thus I found myself excluded in some ways from worship - particularly as it was small type in a font which was moving around on the white paper it was printed on due to my "issues". I wanted to cry but kept it together knowing I was doing the reading. I did muse it was better than usual because at least there was not a PowerPoint with a white background being displayed today....something that causes me real issues.
Then the hymn to go with the advent candle lighting started - all good except the order of service I didn't have a copy of was what told people to stop at the end of the first verse.
Was relieved and wanted to hug the preacher when he added in an extra hymn for us to sing. Felt included again in a service which was musically excluding for people like me who find good choral music really difficult to cope with. Also at this point felt really guilty for feeling wound up by amount of choral music because I know it is about worship and that sort of music really helps some - me I personally try to avoid it because it's like classical music to me - sounds very professional and all but does my head in totally.
During the confession I did silently pray for forgiveness for how I was feeling and God gave me a great sense of calm and ability to watch the candles and feel him close without really hearing the other two bits of posh music.
Sermon was great - was inspiring and challenging in equal measure. At the end of it I felt that perhaps God might be able to use me and my inadequacies in his work after all if I am willing.
After the service one of the church stewards reduced me to tears by asking if Third Party and me would be willing to light one of the advent candles. Now, you have to understand here that over the years it has been one of those things which I have rightly or wrongly felt excluded by and have really wanted to do with Third Party but as far as I remember haven't been able to do. I think one year I did it on my own, but as for me and Third Party in our dysfunctional family state being able to do this...first time I remember. It's tended to be something which "nice" people who say and do the right things have gotten to do and so....well I felt a level of inclusion which as I say reduced me to floods.
On the way out I mentioned the size of font thing to the preacher aswell as praising his sermon - I got a defensive reply which I think meant he thought I was getting at him rather than raising a general inclusion issue. Now at this point I should have stopped but he had tweeted something the other day on finding out about changes he was being expected to introduce into his order of service and this worried me simply because I have had people drumming into me the ethical stuff about what you do and don't tweet/ FB and so forth (and I know I probably should not be blogging all this either). So I mentioned it, this I think was a bad case of foot in mouth on my part. A disease I suffer from but one which I need to learn to reduce.
The thing about all this though is that I find it all really difficult. I know churches, I have been going along for more than a quarter of a century and I know the score. I know that they are full of people trying to be inclusive and give as our church likes to put it Access for All but.....the frustrations are still there and sometimes they overwhelm. Sunday worship is often for me a reminder of all the "disability" stuff I manage to successfully negotiate the rest of the week without a problem. We are also meant to be communities who seek to include the other - how included would somebody who didn't know where the books were kept, etc be? I feel bad for getting mouthy on this stuff and know I need to learn to put it more tactfully but the point is if I don't say it how will those for whom these disability issues are unknown become aware? I guess that is why the Lumiere stuff I blogged about was so great for me and so is small group worship - there is less chance to be excluded. However, as I say it's not all a story of exclusion today so hurrah for the good stuff.