Categories: uncategorized
Date: 01 August 2007 07:20:02
Before I get to continuting with the story I have to say goodness know what the person who arrived here by Googling "Lowestoft to London via Ipswich" thought, I think they may have found the National Rail Enquiries site more useful.
Anyway the year is now 1995 and I had graduated from Uni Land with my Combined Studies degree in Sociology, Economics and Business Administration (Major, minor and complimentary respectively) and found my way back into an exciting career in Tractor Land. After all that study I had moved from an insurance office to an insurance brokers and was still a customer service clerk, because let's face it that's what one does if one is stuck in Tractor Land (unless they end up at the research labs owned by a certain telecommunications company). For two years life moves along in a manner which is basically smooth and the "standard domestic experience" and then it all changes in the matter of a few days and more significantly with two small words, "I'm leaving".
It's a wierd experience because you go through similar feelings to bereavement (shock, denial and despair) but at the same time the person is still alive and so you do your best to change things because you know, atleast in theory this is one nightmare you can wake up from.
In all of this though my main concern was Third Party. Her dad had always been the main carer and so it was assumed that he would carry on that role and when he got settled she would go and live with him. Then I would be able to start the new life, the single life and see where that would lead me. However, it didn't quite work like that. For one reason or another it wasn't possible for Third Party to go and live with her dad and so suddenly I found my self in the role of being the primary carer, aswell as trying to hold down a full time job and deal with the financial and emotional implications of the recent changes to my life.
At this point, God did kind of intervene by sending angels in DM's. The DM's are significant because I only got to know the said angels because one arrived to church in them and I welcomed her with the line "I haven't seen those DM's here before are you a student or starting with BT?" And that was the start of a friendship that has now lasted a decade. Now, without the support of the said angels things could have gotten even more messy than they did but one way or another they helped me through big time.
That is not to say it was plain sailing. There is only a certain amount of stretching an elastic band can take before it snaps and similarly we can only take a certain amount of pressure before we break. The build up to my falling apart took some months, a clear desent back into the pit was taking place, but when I hit the rock at the bottom and broke it was, in some ways, the beginning of the road back. That is not to say that anybody should ever hit the rock in the way I did, there are actually loads of ways to cushion the fall which in retrospect I wish I had taken but I didn't, thankfully I am still here to tell the tale.
So what did I learn through my initial decent and what bits did I manage to do right?
1. There are professional organisations out there to help you and enable you to talk through with somebody totally objective who doesn't know you what's going on. Some of these organisations can be found on my wiblinks. Picking up the phone is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of strength.
2. Welcoming people in church can change your life! Seriously chat to people in church (don't give them your sob story, listen to them) you never know what friendships might be formed even if they don't end up attending your place regularly.
3. If it is getting too hard to juggle all the roles be honest with yourself. It is incredibly hard to juggle job, family and change so if you need to move to part time employment or even give up working to be a parent for a while seriously consider it. Yes the financial implications are not good, yes it will result in a reduction in your standard of life but if the alternative is not being in a fit state to care at all make that move sooner rather than later.
4. Don't pretend it's not happening, or keeping wishing for that happy ending. Occassionally reconciliation and the happy ending does occur, but in most cases it doesn't. This means that arrangements have to be made and where required bits of paper have to be completed.
5. If your child is at school let them the school know what's happening so they are aware, similarly if you go to church ensure the Sunday school leader is aware so they are prepared if your child suddenly gets upset about it all.
6. Scream, shout and cry all you want - but in a room away from children. They're probably scared enough already.
7. Try to find somebody else your child can recognise as a safe person to chat to if they want to off load about it all. Be honest with your child, but without knocking your ex and don't go into more detail than the situation requires.
8. Check exactly what help you may be entitled to and make sure you claim it. In situations like this there is no room for pride, but you do need to take what ever action you can to hold onto your self-respect.