Categories: uncategorized
Date: 09 September 2010 09:05:32
As regular readers will know I'll be moving in the next few days. I still don't know where for definate, it may well be into some plan b temporary space that we've been offered the use of with our possessions stored elsewhere around the city. In preperation for this I have been trying to get rid of everything we don't actually need.....and as I said in a previous post I'm scared about the whole moving thing.
Within the whole stress of it all there are three things that are getting to me, which perhaps shouldn't but are.
1) I miss my mum desperately. My mum was the sort to always be there for me when life was stressful and falling apart; talking sense to me when needed and interfering in ways I found infuriating but were really useful. It was not fluffy sentimental type sorting me out, rather "you are too dozy to be trusted to do everything yourself" type care which in some ways I may not be benefitting from now, but which at the time tended to be wonderful. I did have to do the whole moving to Durham thing without her, but somehow that was all easier, partly I think because there were a wonderful bunch in my old church who sometimes took the same attitude with me as my mum had. At the moment I am missing that type of "mothering" and so the church folks down south too. Don't get me wrong the church folk up here are wonderful too and have been helpful, it's just they take more of a "you have a brain, get on with it" approach.
Note here my dad has been great....but well, in this type of situation he's just not my mum.
2) I wish I could drive. This is something I don't say too often. I know very well why I don't drive and am generally happy being a public transport user. However, when faced with the task of lugging stuff around Durham to various storage places being a non-driver is difficult. I am going to have to find somebody to drive a van for me, or somebody with a huge car which will fit my bookcases in. This in itself is a task, people have been great knowing my situation offering help with accomodation if it came to the crunch but there is so much more involved in moving. It doesn't help I really don't know who to ask for help.
3) I wish I had a healthy balance between doing independance and dependancy. I tend to have an independant streak in me. I have had to in order to survive as a single mum and to get over my previous mental health issues I think. I have certainly benefitted in various ways from this in the past, but sometimes it gets in the way of stuff. It means if people want to just be there for me I freak because I do not want to be a burden. Equally, I know sometimes in the past, (particularly when I fell apart), I became over dependent on people and I get scared that I could easily in situations like this go back to that place. Infact I think that "mothering" I've experienced in the past is exactly because sometimes in situations like this I almost shut down and do become quite dependent, almost childlike in fact because I panic.
I know some of you have been praying and I really appreciate it loads. On a positive note Third Party has started college ok and that's something to really give thanks for. Sorry if that blurgh was a bit over indulgent, I know many of my friends have much more to contend with at the moment, but I just needed to let what is in me out and sometimes I find it easier to that through blogging.
*Update have now moved slightly more into grown up mode and am getting stuff sorted. Thanks for bearing with me during my arrrghhh moment. *