Lessons What I've Learnt Through Wrestling With Church

Date: 13 May 2010 06:40:53

This blog began back in October 2004 when I was struggling with the whole church thing. I'd taken 6 weeks out to do some exploring and thinking around that period, not knowing whether I'd left formal church for good or not. During that time I discovered the Wibsite and started blogging. Some of the posts around that time explain where I was. This one for November that year is interesting in that it shows how the whole experience changed me a little. I ended it by saying, " I guess that I just need to focus on God (or the glimpses of him I get, ’cause I know if I think I’m getting any more than glimpses it’ll be because I’m putting him in my box) and go into church with my brain aswell as my heart and spirit." I still have a bunch of questions in my heart, and occassionally some frustration. But, I feel the frustration has lessed loads over the years.....in part because I've learnt some valuable lessons and found some useful sources of support.

Twice this week I have been taken to a place where I've reflected on this journey. Once in general discussion on why I'm quite happy with taking a redactive approach to the bible and once in discussion with a friend who's struggling right now. I don't have "the answers" on this stuff, but I do have some "ideas" and things I've found useful. Note, none of these come out of my head...they are all from others, but they are all things I have used and found useful.

1) Chatting with "mature Christians" who get it. Note "mature" in this sense does not mean old, necessarily....two of the most mature Christians I know are way younger than me.

2) Going to festivals like Greenbelt (or Solas which is starting this year) where I could sit in seminars and discuss with others what was going on in my head. However, be warned I think I often struggled most in the month or so after Greenbelt when I had to reaclimatise to what I was struggling with after having seen a glimpse of something else. 3) Reading books which showed this struggle was normal and ok. I will be eternally greatful for the pastor who threw a copy of "A Churchless Faith" by Alan Jamieson at me and said read this, it will help, and it's ok whatever decision you make. 4) Mixing with other people who shared my frustrations. I mainly did this on line through the Wibsite and SOF. For those of you who know who you are and who I have shared with over the years I want to say thanks at this point. By just listening when I was saying "arrggghhhh" and by saying "arrrrgggghhhh" yourselves I was able to share fellowship with other people who knew where I was at and shared my frustrations with "institutional religion". It was encouraging as we journied together to know God was still great and that actually alot of institutional religion was ok to. Interesting that most of us have ended up in more old skool traditions and denominations or expressions than we started in. Having the priviledge of seeing God in your everyday really helped! 5) Exploring New Monasticism was something useful I did. I looked into various communities, and spent a year as an associate with the Iona Community. I also spent a few years, including the time I couldn't deal with church, doing the office. In the end I didn't join a community, (or haven't as yet), but I feel really drawn to them and see great value in them. They give a way of holding onto discipline whilst kicking out and exploring. Personal bible study and reflection was really important during this time. It gave me space to hear what God was saying, and try to test it, without feeling like the heretic in the corner. It also meant I started spending more time in prayer. 6) Learning a bit more about "modern saints". For me finding out about Dorothy Day and George McLeod and others has been useful. Reading church history from about 1851 - 2000 has been really important for me. Through reading about the lives of people like Terry Virgo and John Stott I have been able to understand much more about how and why the evangelical tradition has taken the route it currently has. I have also grown to understand the way different responses to frustrations and a hunger to live out God with authenticity have led to the church we now have. 7) Getting a spiritual director has been useful for me. Just meeting with her and considering things like "who is God for me at the moment?" has been really useful. (This Southwalk Diocese site is a useful starting point as is finding local places such as St. Antony's priory in Durham). It's been quite a recent development in my journey but one that has been worthwhile. 8 ) Get some practical theological education. Now here I'm not talking either Alpha or a BA here. I'm rather thinking stuff like EDEV which was so incredibly useful for me it was quite astounding....God used it to cut through an awful lot of crap. The Fresh Expressions course Mission Shaped Ministry is also I understand quite good. 9) Changing tradition can be useful, for some people, if God leads you in that direction. Personally,God kept me in quite a low church tradition but led me into a world which does place a higher value on liturgy. He led me into a world where radical theology is not seen as something you don't talk in polite company. 10) Finally I found opportunities for service which were Christian based but were not church based and reflected my concern for people outside the church. Key example of this has been Streetlights. This list isn't exhaustive and I'm not saying I now never struggle with my faith and I'm not often in a wrestling match with God. What it is, though, is a list of some stuff I've found useful in making peace with "the church" and stuff God has used in my life.