Categories: uncategorized
Date: 03 April 2010 07:51:57
It was cold and the sun was just rising over the cathedral and the birds were still engaging in their dawn chorus as I saw Third Party off this morning. She had decided to get the silly o'clock morning train, heading south because it would be quieter and so easier for her to deal with in her current mindset. I stood and waved her off, aware of the significance of this trip. For me this is an exercise in trust.
For the first part of the trip she will be "nice" people, for the majority she will be staying with friends who I know have struggled but are really getting their lives together, though. They are the first of her friends to have moved out and set up home, in the type of cicumstances people treble their age would have probably struggled going through. They're a couple of the kids which I described in this post about her baptism a couple of years back. So, for me the next ten days are going to be a real exercise in trust, as I said, and starting to loosen the apron strings a little.
So where does that leave me. Well, operation one, as always will be to tidy the flat. Over the years this has been a key opening act in any period of "me time" without Third Party. I guess it probably is for alot of single parents when they get a few days, sometimes even just a few hours, to themselves. The demands of juggling work, childcare and so forth sometimes mean that housework gets pushed down the list of priorities.
The next element of the process will be a shopping trip. One where I choose the food which I wish to eat, without having to consider her whims. Then I will enjoy the pleasures of a bath without interruption.
Then the music will be put on. The music I choose, the music which is seen as outdated / boring/ uncool, (or similar) by a child whose i-tunes playlist brings a whole new level to the meaning of eclectic. (In reality this means I will indulge in Billy Bragg, The Smiths, Show of Hands, Indigo Girls and Martyn Jospeh). Finally I will put on the clothes I wish to without being told, "I'm not going out with you wearing that". In short for the single mother a few days without sprog is the opportunity for pure indulgence and selfishness.
However, before this sounds too much like a trip into some fairytale I will point out that the single mother, as with the married mother, and the man or woman without children is never far from reality. My reality is a large number of words that need writing to be e-mailed off to my supervisors by next Friday.
Additionally, if we are talking about reality, I'm also going to give people who may not know about it another insight into the life of single parents. The removal of the sprog for a few days does give time for personal reflection and space without the need to keep it together for the child(ren). It is a time when the pressure of having to "keep on a brave face" can be removed. Thus, for some single parents times like "the holidays" when children go to see the ex or whatever can be difficult times. Me, I'm ok, I'm now at the place where I can pretty much have the life of riley whilst she's away. But, I've been there. I've know the lonliness that having space can bring home to you. I know the way that having the space to cry and be scared about it all can be a nightmare, bringing you down when all you really need is to use the time to recharge your batteries. I know the way that not being on call for an emergancy mixed with the feelings just spoken about can lead to the downing of a bottle of wine simply because you can. I know, I have been there. Yet, I know many don't know what their single parent friends are really going through because these times of space can be when single parents will also be likely to shut themselves away under a duvet.
So I leave you with a few tips on what you might do if you know a single parent who has a few days space this Easter holiday whilst the child is elsewhere:
1) See if they want to go on a cheap night out or have a cheap night in. Bottle of wine and chinese with a friend and a good DVD can be great. Personal DVD recommendation at the moment Julie and Julia.
2) See if they would like a hand taking anything to the dump or recyling bank if they're using the space to do a bit of a spring clean.
3) See if they would like you to go round with a box of tissues and a listening ear to put the kettle on.
4) Tell them they're looking good in what they're wearing. It's likely they're actually wearing what they want to for once - and would love to know it looks ok after all.
5) Buy them an Easter Egg. It is quite possible they have spent out, but know that they won't be getting one....because there has been no-one to make sure they've got one sorted. (Kids generally just don't think of it).