Categories: spiritual-journey, sexuality
Date: 17 October 2009 16:29:34
I know I have been talking quite abit about the "coming out" aspect of my new(ish) relationship, but I think this aspect of using my blog for telling my story is important. Too often there are a range of inaccurate or distorted generalisations made about the "gay community", (whatever that is), that mean people don't understand the reality. These types of inaccuracies are generally heterosexual misunderstandings or "not thinking through the issue". Occassionally they are more insideous articles like the disgusting one in the Daily Mail which Jan Moir wrote regarding the sad and untimely death of Stephen Gately, (which an inquest has shown to have been from natural causes). Then, as we are all aware there are the reports of disputes and disagreements in churches on how the issue should be treated.
This means that when somebody with a child gains a partner the issues around when to take the "don't ask, don't say" approach take a new turn. In addition to myself and my partner having to make decisions about who it is "safe" to disclose our relationship to Third Party has to make the same decisions. As any parent of a teenager will know the last thing they want is to be marked out as different, to have any label attached to them which they percieve could lead to bullying. Thus, when her friends are all standing there discussing mum or dads new wife/ husband/ girlfriend/ boyfriend or family life in general she has to make a decision. She has to decide whether she feels safe about talking about her mum's new partner. On a couple of occassions she has, once recieving an indifferent reply and once being told that it's really cool. However, for the most part she has felt unable to join in these discussions, which ultimately might have helped her unload some of the stuff going on in her head.
Additionally, amongst "church people" she has to make judgements....and not knowing who stands where she has generally taken the approach that she can't mention it. Friends of ours will ask how she feels about it, but these are not her peers. These are not the people she would really feel comfortable discussing her fears, hopes and frustrations with.
Some of the things I learnt coming out to Third Party, a while ago - whilst not in a relationship - are published within "Living it Out", which is launched next month and which I was one of the many contributors to.
Having now entered a relationship though I have realised that there are some more things which are relevant once you enter a relationship. Some of this stuff is relevant if it is a heterosexual relationship aswell but some of it specifically relates to children and LGB relationships where you have older children:
1) Talk to your child about it
2) Don't let them dictate your relationship but realise that their feelings have to be taken into consideration
3) Don't seek to spend too much time with your partner around your child, at first. Yes you may be starting to build a new family but you don't want to freak your child out.
4) Remember walls may not have ears but they may be thinner than you think. Realise there has to be both consideration and an understanding of the need to be consistent in the moral positions you are teaching your children and those you actually take in relation to sexual activity.
5) Remember your child will be getting used to sharing you....they may need more of your time - just when you want to be giving them less
6) Realise that they are sharing some of the same "coming out" issues as you are. These may not relate to their own sexuality, but they do relate to their home life and immeadiate relations.
7) Discuss with them where you think discretion may be required and where it may not.
8 ) Try to have "listening others" available who they know they can chat things through with / escape to if they want.
9) Respect their privacy and fears. This is a big change in their lives aswell.
10) Think about how much info is too much info before you speak. No child really wants to know about their parents sex life... and apparently it's embarrassing for them to see "old people" snuggling or canoodling.
11) Ensure your partner understands the issues you face as a parent, which they may not have encountered before.
These are the bits I've learnt so far.....this really is a new journey in so many ways.