Categories: uncategorized
Date: 14 June 2009 07:55:32
Sabrina Broadbent has this interesting piece, entitled Who Needs Two Parents", about single parenting in the Guardian. The central theme of her argument is that the reality of single parent families can be positive. She is aguing that sometimes they can be more positive than two parent families where there is tension, or where the reality is a nuclear family infact operating along the lines of a single parent family. She also picks up on the theme of single women who are choosing to become single parents as their biological clock ticks away without a partner.
Whilst I share some of the views expressed within the article the general tone of the article, with it's echos of Feminist Socialism, make me feel wary. Before I launch into my critique let me be clear that this is not a "blokes are bad" or "marriage belongs with the ark" article that Broadbent is writing. Within the article she makes positive mention of male single parenting, thus de-gendering the article and making it, rightly, about single parents not just single mums. She also makes clear seeing her friends divorcing is something sad, not something she celebrates. However, the fact remains she is, to some extent, within the article answering the question she poses of "Could it be that once freed of the spousal system, fathers and mothers become better parents?" with a very possibly yes.
Before I explain more about the difficulties I have with the article I'll do the positive bit. I agree with her sometimes that the single parenting experience can be better for the child than the two married parent alternative would have been. I dread to think what Third Party would have lived through and what my relationship with her would have been had me and her dad stayed together for her sake. I certainly don't think I would have had the relationship I do with her now and to be honest I don't think I would have had the young woman I currently have emerging who is independent, witty, helpful and generally quite nice to be around most of the time.
As regular readers will be aware there was a time in my life where I might have fitted the fictionalised "divorced single parent" stereotype but it was a relatively short time. I like the way, through the examples she uses from her classroom experience, Broadbent highlights the longer term reality for myself and others, that single parenting can bring about " positive parenting behaviours where there is closeness, listening, availability and support." It's also good that she doesn't seek to argue through rose tinted spectacles, she acknowledges all parenting is tough.
However, as I say though there are a number of aspects of the article I struggle with. The first is the general tone of the article and the way that it appears to be undermining the importance of solid relationships beyond that of the parent and child. In my experience and I would hazzard a guess most of the positive examples she cites whilst one (or two seperate) adults take on the "parenting" role there is support from a wider network of "family", be that blood, urban or church.
The second issue I have is that there is no hint of sadness, only surprise, that in the class she talks of 23 of the 25 teenagers lived in single parent families. The figure is unusually high, based on the most recent government statistics, one would expect the class to have about 6 children living in single parent families, (although it could be up to about 11 depending on the ethnic mix of the class). Whilst I agree with her general view that some of these young people are likely to be having a much more positive experience than if they were living in two parent families I cannot believe this is the case for all. Surely there should be some sense of regret if only for those who are likely to be missing out on the input from one of their parents. Whilst some will have positive relationships with both parents and may have shared custody arrangements this is the reality, generally, for a minority.
The article also puts a v. positive spin on "New Labour" initiatives which have sought to help and support single parents amongst others. I acknowledge "New Labour" have introduced some stuff to support all parents, which are positive....she fails to mention "breakfast clubs" which I think are one of the governments main achievements since '97. However, they have also made decisions which mean, according to Gingerbread figures, 52% of single parents remain poor. Has she been looking at the way that recent cuts to the welfare system have been targeted at single parents?
This negative economic element of single parenthood may not be so obvious in Islington, (or where ever the writer is), but it is the reality in alot of other places. The simple is fact single parents are finding it more difficult than their married/co-habiting counterparts to have it all, or in many cases to have much of anything.
So what conclusions should we be drawing? Well, the most important is that being a single parent isn't harder than being a married parent but it is different. Both situations involve tough decisions and increasingly high levels of time management skills. Married couples can provide a higher income and somebody to intervene when either the relationship between one parent and the child(ren) is getting fraught or another listening ear when either parent or child(ren) are worried about the other. However, tensions between the adults and situations where one child is trying to play one parent off against the other are avoided on a day to day level in single parent families. (I recognise these issues may still exist on a different level but they are different.) Also the relationship that develops between parent and child is different. That does not mean, however, that happily married families are not to be seen as the ideal for the majority.
At the end of the day what comes out of this article loudest is being a parent is what we choose to make it. We have to take responsibility for our kids and try to do the best for them, ourselves and our societies. In some cases this will mean single parenting is the better option, but others it will mean trying to sort out the problems within a marriage.