Categories: spiritual-journey, lent
Date: 09 April 2009 08:39:32
6 weeks ago I posted some creative ideas for a positive lent. Whilst I decided not to post updates on them I have decided to share what has happened (for those of you wondering why I haven't waited to the weekend.... well I feel like reflecting today before we move into the "heavier" bit of Holy Week).
When I set out I was in a bit of a scary place in myself, which is why I decided not to engage in what Lent is really about in terms of giving up but took an alternative approach. In the comments at the time somebody did gently mention I may have been a bit over ambitious and was worried I was setting myself up to fail. Well as I guess could realistically be expected I haven't managed to get through the whole list, but I have managed over half of it.
So what have I gained, and was it something appropriate to do over Lent or indeed to regard as a spiritual discipline? Well, in terms of any giving up I was trying to give up some of my low self-esteem and see myself a little more as God sees me (a person of equal worth to those around them). I think that has actually occurred, a little. Through this period I have become more aware that I am who I am and whilst I should be constantly striving to change where required and live a more sanctified life I am saved by grace (i.e. God loves all of us loads and all of us equallywhich is why he chose to go to the cross, I am no different).
Through the spending time doing positive stuff and reflecting on God in that I have become more aware that God is a creative God of love who genuinely cares for all of his creation. This has presented challenges though as I have become aware that love of all his creation does not fit in with our human criteria of who is worthy of love. He grieves, I believe, over the way we mess up and gets angry at alot of stuff we, as humans do, but he still loves us all equally as people. We need to learn to start seeing ourselves a bit more as God sees us, people worth loving not because of anything we do / don't do but simply because of who we are.
The other thing I have really got hold of over this time, specifically linked to the activity of putting together a play list to chill out to in personal time out with God, is that God is not a God who forces us to do anything. More we are constantly faced with choices which we need to take responsibility for the consequences of. The way this came over to me was because one of the tracks I included on my play list was "Come As You Are" by Nirvana. I put it on for the first verse, but was really struck by the lyrics "I don't have a gun". Too often I think we feel that God does have a gun and is pointing it at us, telling us He will punish us if we make the wrong choice or don't go along with what He wants. I really came face to face with the idea that God isn't like that. I had a choice about whether I moved and did this research, I have choices what I do in the future and I have choices whilst I'm here. God knows which choices will be most positive for me and others but doesn't force me to make them, rather he gently encourages.
This whole thing has helped reinforce my view of what the whole Easter story is based upon, (Jesus choosing to follow the Father's will and going to the cross as an act of atonement for the sins and bad choices of humans). So on the basis of the above I guess yes the whole exercise has been useful. (It also I believe was one of the contributing factors in me getting back to my "normal" self).
However, it needs to be recognised that what we do personally as spiritual discipline or whatever over Lent isn't done in isolation. I've also been engaging in some stuff at church which has fed into the whole process aswell. Some of it has been specifically related to Lent, but lots hasn't. There has been an awful lot of letting go and moving on involved, but in ways which reflect the whole creative and positive thing. There have been no tears involved, no counselling and no being prayed for or anything - infact nothing which could freak me out at all ..... rather there has been quite a bit of play, a fair amount of listening to people's stories aswell as sharing bits of my own, more than a little laughter, rather alot of diving into the bible and reflecting on what it actually says, the odd bit of journaling and the occasional mug of coffee involved. The God of adventures has taken me on a huge journey during Lent this year, but it has been a gentle nourishing journey where he has been pointing out the good stuff and moving me away from the less positive. As with the disciples and followers of Jesus this journey has been challenging aswell as wonderful and won't stop at the cross, ( it looks like pentecost could be significant this year), but rather it has been a stage of my journey going beyond this. So was it worth it, and was it spiritually useful? Well what do you think after reading this lot?