Categories: on-blogging, spiritual-journey
Date: 17 November 2008 14:49:21
This happens to be my 1500th post, so excuse me if I indulge myself an ickle. It was going to be tomorrow, but then I happened upon Maggi Dawn's post which directed me onto Jonny Baker's about not fitting in, and I felt it was the right theme to reach a milestone on.
I am somebody who happens not to tick the usual combination of boxes and as a result often feels like they don't quite fit in (see this and this to partly explain why). I tend to feel like I have the wrong set of labels for the situation I find myself in quite often. Much as I pretend those labels don't matter and that I am simply Tractor Girl I have to admit that life isn't always that easy. The fact that the labels I have, and boxes I don't quite fit into, relate to the reality of my everyday life and experience and other peoples expectations and systems matters, sometimes.
Being a lone parent who is juggling being a mum, a student and a teacher matters.
Being an evangelical Christian who is also a radical, queer, lone parent, feminist but refuses to give up and become post-evangelical matters.
Being a FE lecturer who cares about the sector and is angry about what the LSC guidelines and government policy towards FE have done to the A Level departments of colleges matters.
Being a post-grad student without formal funding, but refusing to give up on my dreams matters.
Being somebody who is passionate about mission but equally passionate about respecting people where they're at matters.
The elements of myself listed above make me who I am. They matter because peoples reactions to those things have helped me become who I am aswell. In having to find alternative solutions to the problems, the mixture has created, I have been shaped. Thus, as Jonny says in his post not fitting has become a gift.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in the league of the people I've linked to above or who Jonny is talking about in his post. However, as an ordinary bum on a pew who has found that on one level they don't fit too well I have also been given creative freedom. I have, at times, felt like I've been allowed to just get on with being me because people haven't quite known what else to do . Thus, through my not fitting in I have been given the creative freedom to dream dreams and come on the journey which has led me to Durham and my current research.
This blogging community has, as I explained a few days ago, has been a key place for me. Here I have found people who have "got it" to dialouge with and get feedback and support from. It has also given me a space to articulate my dreams and get creative. I also benefitted from being in a church which kind of did exactly what Jonny is saying they should have done "if somebody is asking a lot of questions, doesn't fit, are creative - don't push them away. give them the space to create something different and new and resist the temptation to co-opt it." What HBBC did was kind of let me get on with it and then supported me in all kinds of ways when it was time for me to fly away.
Thus, I think what I am trying to say in this post is thank you to the people who have understood that I don't quite fit and who have let me just get on with it. Thank you to the people who read this and have bothered to take an interest. Thank you to the people who have loved me even though I don't quite fit. Thank you to the people who didn't push me away, but gave me space. Thank you to the people who have supported me in what ever way on the journey so far. I'm not sure that what I am doing is creating anything different or new, and it'll probably not be particularly significant to anybody other than myself but I am being given the chance to create and that's what matters.
Four years ago when I started this blog I certainly couldn't have predicted the journey it would be reporting on and in its own way contributing to. Along its way there has been a load of junk but it has also reported on what I've heard from:
A Chancellor who was to become prime minister
The man who was head of the Evangelical Alliance
Two Emminent Theologians and humanitarians
Aswell as giving you insight into The Archbishop of Canterbury and a very silly singalong
Anyway, that's all a very long way of saying thank you for having written what I've churned out :)