A couple of minutes to midnight

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 12 July 2008 09:07:05

Back in the 80's I remember there being this clock they referred to each year which represented how close we were to nuclear war. For much of the decade it was set at about 5 minutes to midnight, I think, as the two superpowers had nuclear weapons facing each other. That perception of knowing how close we were to complete meltdown was something which encouraged many people to engage in things like CND. People got involved because they were getting angry.

Well in my own life hitting that few minutes to midnight last week and realising how close I was getting to meltdown has done me loads of good. I have started to put my to do list in to action and have moved from the "poor me" attitude to the "f*** this" attitude.

I have gotten back to basics and thinking about what the research is about, why it needs doing and why I am the right sort of person to be doing it and why I am facing some of the problems I am, particularly regarding funding.

The main problems with funding have come from the following (i) I don't have the right academic profile, (i.e. I never got a first), (ii) I am too old (i.e. over 30) and (iii) I am not a professional (i.e. ordained or employed by a church). To a certain extent though the fact I can't fit into those boxes is exactly why I was able to come up with the research proposal and why I have such a passion for it. These types of difficulties are exactly why there is a lack of grounded feminist research coming from academia and are the reason for part of the silence on the subjects I want to talk about. To a certain extent what I am coming up against, for the first time in my life, are class barriers. It's like the lower middle classes are being told they can get to a certain level but beyond that it still comes down to money. It's also seeming that "the system" is designed for people who fit into the right life paths and have fitted into the right boxes. As somebody who never seems to, quite, fit into the right box I am ready to say f**k you, I don't care what barriers you put in the way if academically I am up to this, (which being offered the place and my educational qualifications would suggest I am), I am going to do it.

Now, don't get me wrong - I still think this is a God inspired thing particularly as my friend reminded me exactly what I told her God had laid on my heart when I came back from Iona. However, making sure I succeed at this is a political thing aswell.

I don't fit into the right academic profile partly because I have been a late developer but also because my path through education has not been one enclosed in the academic bubble. Dropping out of 6th form, doing A Levels at evening class, having a baby in the summer holidays before your final year, having to work full time in a demanding job whilst completing the second year of MA. These don't help you tick the boxes but they do help you know exactly what the majority of "ordinary" women in this country are experiencing. The achievement comes not through being exceptional but through being ordinary.

This living in the ordinary means I have had to claw my way up the qualification ladder bit by bit inbetween being mum, doing a job to pay the childminder, falling apart and negotiating my way through benefit and medical appointments, building a new career by working every hour I could stay awake, etc. Again this is the stuff which means I understand "the average" person and am part of the ordinary. It also does not allow you to reach the current level of academic achievement by the age of 30. Life experience is not a fundable box, but it is what I believe grounded theology has to come out of.

As for the not being a "professional" well it's an interesting one. For a start as a Baptist I'm quite heavily into the priesthood of all believers ;) The whole thing with this research project is that it has grown out of me looking at the experience of myself and my friends and at the lack of theory which explains our experience and the "silence" which exists regarding alot of positive inclusive practice in the evangelical sub-culture. The thesis has grown from experience as "an average bum on a pew" but also through a culture and theological background which tells the lay person that God uses them as missionaries and "agents of God" in the world, just as much as any professional. The whole thing has again grown out of the priviledge I have had of being part of the "ordinary". I have to laugh at the fact Christianity and the biblical tradition we follow is based upon the way God uses "the ordinary" but the boxes do their best to ensure that the "ordinary" are excluded.

I want to succeed in this research not because I'm exceptional or professional but rather because I am ordinary. If the system is set up to try and exclude "the ordinary", well tough. The gospel I follow is full of stories of Jesus working with and within the system but in such a way which at the same time was saying "f**k the system; God does not exclude" and gives a model for just getting on and doing it.

**Note the clock referred to at the beginning was The Doomsday clock . Thanks to Snailsnail for comment letting me know where to find it.