Friendship

Date: 03 April 2011 18:32:16

For various reasons I have been thinking about friendships, and the roles of friendships. I love having friends, and couldn’t imagine not having them in my life. They are vital to my world. I’m not particularly close to my family, not in a bad way but just in a geographical not much in common way. I however am becoming increasingly aware that due to being single, and the nature of the relationships, that I am very good at holding people at arms lengths, making sure that everybody only knows some of me. Being aware that I am never the most important person in anyones life, that someone else always comes first. I am trying to decide if this is a good or bad thing, because the flip side of this is that there is never anyone I have to put first. I often chose to put other people first, but at the end of the day I don’t have to do anything for anyone.
Yes I let some people know more about me than others, but even so, I chose how much people know. I guard myself to make sure that if people walked out my life tomorrow, it would be ok. I live my life so that I am always ok with it being just me. I rely on a group of friends to chat through deep stuff, and don’t get me wrong I do tell people lots of stuff, but I always have to know that I would be alright without them. That I can do anything I need without having to rely on others. I commented to a good friend a few months back (who due to distance I don’t see that often.) that she doesn’t ask how I am, and she commented to the effect, what’s the point, even if you are not alright you won’t let on. So how do I hold in tension the knowing that you can’t know how long anyone will be in your life, with being vulnerable, with being able to say help, and not have to prove that no matter what you can do it all by yourself?