Categories: uncategorized
Date: 22 May 2006 20:01:22
I wish I had a name for what's happening to me at the moment. Wish I had a clear label so I can express what's happening inside me to others but I don't.
The closest I've got is a nervous breakdown - an inibility to cope. I'm sleeping all the time, the times I'm not sleeping I'm crying. I don't have the energy to do anything at all at the moment - not christian focus, not doug soc, not church. but I have to do church because i have commitments, and I have to do doug soc because i have commitments. I'm just on the edge of emailing the church email list and ask for someone to do kids church on sunday for me. but i can't because somewhere inside me i have to keep pretending that every thing is ok.
I cried through out communion on sunday. Tears ran down my face the whole time. I couldn't stop them, I couldn't stand up for the communion prayer, I just sat there and cried.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make myself better, I don't know how to cope. I feel so incredibly alone and isolated, as if there is a massive wall between me and the rest of the world - but that no one can see it except me. I want to scream and shout about what is happening, let people know and get sympathy and support, but at the same time I want to be as alone as I feel just so that i can't hurt anyone else and can act without consequences.
I just don't know what to do.