Categories: uncategorized
Date: 29 April 2007 00:24:41
Well, it's not hard to see
Anyone who looks at me
Knows I'm just a rolling stone
Never landing anyplace to call my own
I have always felt like an outsider. For as long as I can remember I have felt like I didn't fit in. I have felt like I had no home. I had a roof above my head, a family I shared my life with, and people I met at school (most of whom bullied me). But I didn't belong, not at home, not at school, not anywhere. And I always wished I did.
Miracle I made it through the things I did
Later on I went nuts. I know that's not the polite way to say it, but I did. I hit rock bottom and then went down further, every morning I would wake up cursing the breath in my body, every night I would go to sleep praying I would never wake. I remember filling in a UCAS form thinking that it was pointless, that I would die before I got to University. But here I am. It's a miracle I made it through the things I did.
And I had a chance to settle down
Get a job and live in town
And for the last few years I've been thinking more and more about 'home' - first it was the Greenbelt - FREEDOM BOUND - and now it's Joss Whedon's portrayals of family in Buffy, Angel and Firefly. Freedom Bound was all about the longing for home - that place where the sun shines, and 'women ne'er smiled nor wept' but Joss Whedon's stuff was different. The first time I watched the Buffy episode "Family" with my friends I really identified with Tara. She had screwed up, done magic on her friends to prevent them from seeing the demon her family said she was turning into. But right at the end her father says Tara should come back with them, and that they are her blood kin - who are the Scooby gang to try and influence her - "We're her family" says Buffy. Once this happend, I turned to Sophia, and asked if she would do the same for me. She just said "Sophie!" in a slightly annoyed "of course we would dumbass" sort of way.
So I have a home after all - or at least I have a family. I have people who I love, and who love me back, not just the me I present to most people, but the me in glorious technicolor - tears, smiles, guilt. People who know every little bit of me, and love the bits of me that I find detestable.
But some how I still feel alone.
Right now, right here, this song sums up my longing - although i don't travel alone all the time. Another Buffy reference "understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear", At my heart I am still a loner, I don't like to be seen when I am down, I don't like others to know my fears, I like my personal space. And I am a wanderer, I won't settle in one place for very long (unless I have to). I am a dreamer, I am an idealist - none of these seem to scream of a place called home - at least not before I go Home.
Which leaves me with one question - "Where do we go from here"
Someday I'll go where there ain't no rain or snow
Til then I travel alone
And I make my bed with the stars above my bed
And dream of a place to home