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Date: 08 October 2007 19:35:37

I'm scanning facebook. Trying to keep my brain and hands occupied, trying not to cry and I came accross a discussion entitled "Before you start to self-injure". It has a list of things, a list of ways that that one little scratch will spiral out of control and take over your whole life. Long sleved t-shirts in the heat of summer, never going swimming, rubbing scars through you clothes...so, so many things. And in the same face book group was the question - does it ever go away? Does it ever stop? And my answer is no. I've done this for too long for it to go away.

A little girl pointed to a scab on my elbow today - and asked me what it was. It wasn't a self harm scar, I got it after running and diving onto the road to glue my hands together for peace...but somehow it felt the same. The same as when a little boy I took swimming asked that question, poking the strangly parallel scars on my arm. And now I'm sat staring at the sharps I keep hidden for moments like this. And I'm thinking and thinking and thinking, and I can't get my brain to stop.

And mixed in with all of this is the fact that I went swimming today. With a tiny little girl - 14 weeks old. It was her first time in a swimming pool and she loved it, and she trusted me completely. And if I cut again I won't be able to do that again for months, and I want to do it again. And I'm trying to be logical about this. Trying to be grown up and mature, trying to be normal. But I'm not normal. I have mental health problems and all ways will have - even if I'm getting better.

I know I'm used to this, but sometimes it just gets me down. And recently I've been having graphic nightmares/daydreams of self injury. And it's so hard to resist and be strong. But I'll keep on trying. It's what I do.