an open letter to all who care....

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 11 December 2002 12:08:00

it means a lot to me, all the love and care i have found in you. the comfort in emails and pm's and text messages has kept me going when i have been so down i thought i couldn't ever get up again. when i have been so close to killing myself, so many many times, something has stopped me...normally the memory of a pm or email or a typed hug. sometimes, often, it has been all the love i have been shown. the only people who seem to give a sh!t if i live or die are on-line...(not telling me i can't even kill myself proparly like at home)...some times i feel so pathetic because of that, that the only reason people like me is because they don't really know me. that if they did they would hate me just as much as my family...but i know i have been accepted by people who know my horribleness, and like me despite that......i know i'm lucky...if i didn't have people on line i think i'd be dead by now.
i'm sorry for all the times nothing you say will sink in, for declaring against all the evidence that i'm unloveable. i'm sorry for hurting you by showing my pain, and what i do to myself. I'm sorry if i haven't replayed to an email or pm...i'm still not sure how to respond to people who seem to like me...it's only recently i have had practice.
some times it seems i'll never be free of this pain, sometimes i think i'll always be scared of people older than me, but then i realise how much i've come forward...i still freeze in situations that scare me, but i calm down quicker now. and i have more confidence in meeting people
so thankyou for caring
i'm sorry for being scared to accept the love shown
and i am trying to trust
from a very very worried and embarassed
sophs

(written: 10th December 10:50)