Categories: uncategorized
Date: 20 April 2003 23:33:00
well...i've not updated for ages...so here goes...
over the past few months i have been happy and sad...
i have been able to wear short sleaves for the first time in over a year. this is a major achievement for me...i also went swimming again. Scars are fading, if you look closely at my arms you can still see the marks and letters cut in, but they are not as noticable as they were. and i;'ve not started on somewhere else either. I don't how long all this is going ot last, i have been sturgglin g for the past few days to survive...and as i have an exam soon, which i am so unprepared for it's scary...but i have set myself up for failure, and i know i have.
Last night was strange...at the Easter service i cried for so long, hiding form the world, the only thing i could do was cry, almost solidly for teh whole service. to put in to words why i was crying is hard, but i will try to do it...
i cried for what i had done to hurt my God. i cried for the times he had cried over me, and for me, and with me, for the wounds in his hands and head and feet, the times when i had hammered in nails, or crowned him with thorns. I wept for the broken world, for those who have been hurt by it, by us, by me. i cried for my dad, for Emma and for Molly, for ressurection and loss of hope. i cried for the way the fires die, but get reborn. i cried for the way i have hurt God and how i can not come close, because i see myself as evil. i cried for the people in the easter story who had failed like i had done. Peter, who lost all his hope after dennying his lord. Judas who sought hope by death...but i have no idea how God recieved him...i have no idea if god forgave him, or if God forgave the nameless theif on the cross.
i can't understand the ressurection, the hope that is given, to those who will recieve it, i can't understand how i could cry and cry, loose my mask....
My mask...
i have a choice, of who i am. i can choose my mood, i can be happy. i can be strong and tall and confident. walk wiht a purpose, laugh adn jump and sing and shout...sometimes it's real. often it's only a mask. and when masks crack reality seeps in. all the crap. all the pain. all the fear. all the lonelyness. it comes and breaks in to your soul. destroys you from the outside as well as from the very depth of your soul. eating up your hopes and dreams...
and as christ rises phoenix like from the ashes, i long to stand and let the hope rise with me.
last night i laught in reality once, someone, i'd never met him before. Matt i think his name was, covered me with beanbags. all over....so i was hidden from the world. then he sat on me...by this time i was giggleing....and he was making comments about me making all the beanbags shake. i don't know why i was happy, i don't know why i laughed. maybe i was hyper, but maybe it was becasue i felt accepted.....
i'm sure i met God in the service. i don't know if i want to know him, but i think i met him.