Categories: uncategorized
Date: 26 May 2003 00:47:33
I've just come back from a church service, that was...was...wierd...
I took a some teddys along (we were doing something with them in the service, it's not that odd a thing to do, honest) in fact i took 5 teddys, svenetta the moose, Sir Percy Yellowbeard the parrot, my Eeyore teddy, and two teddys from when i was very little...a pink on belonging to me, and a blue one belonging to my big brother (J), who died 3 months after i was born...I spent most of the service hugging J's teddy, it's ear is almost bitten off and it's raggedy and so small i can hold it in the palm of my hand, but it's very special...J is my only proper sibling, my sisters (H&E) are only half sisters, so i have always wondered about J...
I wonder what he would have been like, how things would have been different if he was alive, how my past would have been different...I know that there is no use dwelling on the past, or what will never come to be, but i am thinking about him a lot...
He was a baby when he died....will i recognise him in heaven? Will i know who he is, or will i never really see him, just as a little baby with a tube up his nose...giving me flowers when i was born...
Hmmm....
I don't know why i am thinking about him now, i guess cos it's around the anniversery of his death...but i don't even know his birthday properly...mum never talked about him much, he doesn't have any memorial stone or anything...i adopted a patch of the baby graveyard in the cemetry where i used to live for him...
I guess i'm also thinking about it because someone at the leeds meet mentioned me as a little sister (IIRC anyway) which kinda threw me...but i'd been thinking about him before then...