Categories: uncategorized
Date: 04 June 2004 00:07:44
So here's some thoughts on my current faith crisis...
The problem rests in a quote from the Brothers of Karamatzov, a book by Dostoyevsky.
(context : Ivan Karamatzov has just told his brother Alyosha who is a monk several tales of children being abused or hurt through no fault of the their own, but through the free will of adults and others around them - it's the most powerful argument against the free will defense I've come across)
"It's not worth the tears of that one small tortured child...it's not worth it, because those tears are unatoned for. They must be atoned for or there can be no harmony...To high a price is asked for the harmony...it's not God I don't accept...I just most respectfully return him the ticket."
So here's the problem....
I agree with Ivan Karamtzov's reasoning. The freedom of man, the evil in the world, even with the hope of heaven is not worth the the tears of a child. I cannot, in my own heart, ever absolve God of the problem of evil. It's just not happening. Despite some wonderful theological theodicies, when it comes down to the nitty gritty life-is-shit type things it doesn't work. Ireneus doesn't work, Agustine doesn't work.
So I don't know what I'm left with. If I accept the reasoning behind the quote, and all the premisies and everything I am left with the conclusion that Ivan comes to : " I most respectfully return the ticket".
So I've come to a point in my faith where I must face up to what I belive, and must somehow make a choice, I feel as if I can either carry on living a lie, pretending to have faith in a God I resent, in a God I hate at times. Or make that terrifiying descision and return God the ticket, taking whatever consequences that brings.
The complications come when leaving God behind involves leaving the church, and the people who have supported me and helped me, and the people who have been like a family to me. And I don't think I can do that. I relay too much on the help and comfort of my church to just give up.
So, I'm confused. I feel as if I have come to a turning point in my faith, where I can either carry on being a hypocrite or just give up on God.
And I don't know what to do.