Categories: uncategorized
Date: 08 March 2005 00:03:37
I went to christian focus tonight and think that I coped very well. I skived all day of college because I couldn't face people, so actually walking for 45mins (which was fine - i don't mind walking in the dark, in fact i like it) and sitting in a room with 18 people in it was very difficult. But I did it.
The session was on prayer, and there came a point when the speaker mentioned the dark night of the soul, and the feeling of god not being there. Then various people started talking about selfishness, and God testing people and whatnot, and I got pissed off. I wanted to ask if they had ever spent weeks and weeks hiding in a church and crying throughout the service, and prayed and prayed for some small release from mental turmoil and had the prayers just bounce back after hitting the ceiling. But I suppose that my experience of the dark night of the soul is depression - 5 years since I was diagnosed, and a life time of feeling this way, and not everyone (thankfully) suffers from depression.
After the session somone asked me how I was, and I replied that I was fine, put on a smile, but then was asked to name five reasons why I was fine. And I couldn't do it. And even now, having thought about this, I cannot name five reasons why I was fine. So I had to admit I was lying, and say that I was crap. But then I was asked to give ten reasons why I was crap, and I declined that offer because I didn't want to tell the ten reasons. But it was nice, and I went to the pub, and had a drink. And I'm going next week for a curry night - I'm going to try and get my hands on a sari for the occasion...