Categories: uncategorized
Date: 07 November 2004 19:56:46
I have too much time on my hands, obviously. All these spare hours during which I float around wishing I had something to occupy my time. My current commitments and interests are sufficient as far as they go, but clearly I am suffering from boredom and lack of challenge and desire for something to think about.
Surely, God, you CANNOT be serious! I don't HAVE a few spare hours a week in which to train as a local preacher. If I can't find time to read the book I was thoroughly enjoying until I got to chapter four and lost the thread, then I'm SURELY not going to have time to read and learn and explore my faith sufficiently to become a leader of worship. If I arrive at my massage class making excuses for the lack of practice done, HOW ON EARTH am I going to fit in the practice and homework necessary for becoming a preacher.
And, OK, so I'm chicken. What if I find I lose it once I start? Do I want a label of authority when I am so little authority really? Do I want to assume the role of someone who knows what they're talking about when I'm happy exploring? What if I end up trying to do it for my own benefit instead of for God? What if the ideas just don't come and God leaves me high and dry? And what if I end up being one of those local preachers whom everyone hopes won't be planned to their church?
But I can't help hearing that whisper loud and clear (despite being deaf in one ear! Is that God's reply to me turning a metaphorical deaf ear? ;) . This morning and yesterday evening was a case in point. I knew I was to do the prayers of intercession in church this morning, but my mind was blank. I couldn't think of anything to put, nowhere to begin. I looked at a book of intercessionary prayer, tempted to choose one to read, but I knew that it had to come from me. I thought of praying and asking God to tell me what to say, but that seemed a bit silly really - asking God what I should say to Him in my prayer! So I simply sat down and cleared my mind, thinking that if God really wanted me to pursue this vocation then He would grant me the inspiration to know what to say. And from that empty mind and full heart the words came tumbling out onto the screen and I just knew they were from God. Goodness, that sound "Holy" ;) But after the service several people came and commented on the content of the prayer and how much it had meant to them. I felt a bit awkward accepting the thanks, knowing that the words weren't from me, but it's jolly hard to turn a deaf ear to someone who's shouting so loud. And maybe, just maybe, if this IS what God wants then the difficulty of fitting it into my crazy life will all fall into place. Maybe! M certainly thinks so.
Meanwhile it was good to spend an afternoon helping Tiddles design a Scouting poster on Publisher, helping Smudgelet draw a diplodocus, and indulging in some total-thought-anihilation as I tackled Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata on my beloved piano.