Categories: uncategorized
Date: 27 January 2006 18:04:37
What can I say? It is tearing me apart, seeing Dad so low. He is fighting to retain his thinking powers, but seeing them dwindle. He is fighting to retain his hope, but seeing that dwindle too. I feel like I want to draw him onto my knee and put my arms round him and protect him from all this, but it's impossible - it's a road he has to walk alone to some degree and the knowledge that it will get worse before it gets better is heartbreaking. And to sit here making cold calculations about how much longer he might live and what the comparative cost (financial and emotional) of various forms of care for the last months of life feels callous, however essential I think it may be.
I am toying with temporarily giving up work. It's finding the time and the right people to talk to about it. Would the governors give me a term, or two terms, leave of absence without pay? Am I valuable enough for them to want to retain me in the long term? Scary to think that my current income as a teacher is identical to the amount we would pay for a sitter to stay and sleep at Dad's house (non-waking, at least not more than three fifteen minute "wakes" per night) from 10pm to 8am. I have to balance the effect on the boys too, but if paid care were available for the time they're home, then it could possibly allow for me to have MORE time with them and be more relaxed too. It's one time when I so wish I had a husband to discuss it all with.