Categories: uncategorized
Date: 03 February 2006 20:03:15
Emotional rollercoasters are not really my cup of tea. Smooth and steady and predictable, that's the life I like. Staid and respectable maybe, boring sometimes certainly, but I find the constant ups and downs of life at the moment take their toll.
Dad has taken a sudden turn for the better. Result, instead of going to the hospice on Monday, he'll be coming home. He's far more lucid and has stopped bleeding, without any medical intervention, and hasn't been sick for a day or two. The ultrasound scan of his bladder is apparently clear. The scan of his brain is inconclusive (oh great - mega-helpful!) This is all good news... but my heart is heavy.
The Macmillan nurse said that the next two weeks would be very telling as to whether he is entering the next phase of the cancer or whether it's been a temporary blip. He has seen Dad only at his best. Typical. When he's well, I myself find it hard to believe that I hadn't imagined or exaggerated the degree of not-wellness that I experienced maybe only hours before. My sister said the same - indeed while she was staying with him she took to ringing me and telling me the details of his ill or confused states at the time so that she would recall them when he was singing and chatting merrily and lucidly a little later. So we're back in limbo, not knowing what the future holds or what arrangements to make.
It means, of course, if this is a proper rally, that we don't know what to do next at all. I don't feel that he's safe to be left alone during the day if there's any risk of a decline while I'm not there, but if he's going to be fine it'd be detrimental for him to be "looked after" 24 hours a day. It's a nightmare for me to have to leave him so early in the morning, when it's not clear how he's going to be. And it's an additional nightmare that now he has taken to phoning my mobile while I'm at work when he gets lonely or frightened or confused - which would be fine in many jobs but not ideal in teaching. Yet who can blame him - we all need reassurance from someone we love when we're feeling unwell or unsafe. But if this recent decline is only temporary, we cannot talk about giving up work and staying nearby if it may be a long term situation. But if he's going to be OK during the morning, it's ridiculous to pay huge amounts of money for a sitter to be sitting around drinking coffee while he snoozes in the chair.
Decisions postponed until Wednesday, when my sister may take a week off work and come down in advance of the half term holiday. Health farm visit still on the cards - hooray.
In other news..... I'm a great auntie (step) again !!!!