Categories: uncategorized
Date: 18 December 2006 21:06:17
Sitting with Dad at the Hospice today was the best two hours of the whole day. He is on a syringe driver at last. While I know the reasons why this course of action was not done until now, I am just so glad to see the treatment preempting the pain rather than following it. His face is relaxed and he is mostly sleeping peacefully, though it was almost unbearable when, after hardly being aware of my presence when I sat beside him, he responded to my gentle goodbye kiss with a single tear running down his cheek. I just keep watching him, imprinting his image on my mind. But it's good to see him so much at peace.
This morning was very hard. I took all his tablets back to the chemist - three huge carrier bags full (and we've just found some more!) - together with a box of biscuits to them and to the surgery as they've been so supportive over the last months. As I fought back the tears on setting out, I said to my sister how surreal it felt to be weeping simply because I wouldn't be going to the chemists again. It's been such a big part of my life and it's hard to lose those casual friendships with the chemists and the receptionists - all of whom gave me a huge hug and loads of comforting words (as well as ending up in tears themselves - I had hoped to be sooooo strong!) I cancelled his Wightcare alarm, too, and some direct debits. It seems wrong somehow to do these things while he is still with us, but there will be enough to do later.
I went into town aiming to get a new suit - not black, but something suitable to wear for preaching or for Christmas as well as any other coming formal occasion. Pah - fat chance of that. It's all black this year... or the one nice-looking grey pinstripe that made me look like Santa's sack once he'd gone down the chimney with it a few times. Failed.
The biggy today, though, is my eldest son. I know that he is reacting badly to the current circumstances but I think they are just a trigger of something that was going to happen sometime soon anyway. Events today have made it that I am at a total loss what to do about him. The future looks very grey - all I know at this moment is that I do not want him in the house at all this Christmas, although that in itself is difficult as I feel that if he is not able to say goodbye to his Grandad (no matter how much he fears that) and bears the guilt in later life of having gone off the rails at this time... or if he begins to blame Grandad's death for robbing him of a Christmas with his family ... it bodes badly for his mental health in the future. But I don't want to give him gifts - he has betrayed me majorly, and his brother too - but at the same time I know he will feel hard done by (and not acknowledge his own responsibility) when he gets fewer presents than his little brother. There seems to be no way of getting through to him. (He even lied to the police!) I am even at the stage tonight of considering boarding school as possibly the only option to save him from returning to foster care - but what is of fundamental importance is making sure that his little brother suffers from his negativity and sudden "derailment" as little as possible.
Hey, maybe my trips to the chemist are not over. Do they supply valium?