Categories: uncategorized
Date: 06 January 2007 13:55:55
Today I feel desolate.
No other word can describe today. I am glad I foresaw it and arranged for my brother and the boys to be out until this evening. It is a day for weeping, a day for mourning, a day not to be comforted but to be alone and to cry until I can cry no more - and then some. A day of sorrow, with cold winds and that damp, wettening rain that seems never to stop. But the waves of tears are more like one of Dad's seascapes where a deceptive calm is suddenly overtaken by a huge breaker of tremendous power which sweeps all aside in its path until it crashes against the sea wall. Sometimes I realise that the nations of the middle east have it right - sometimes mourning is loud and unstifled, even without truly knowing why you are crying, just being overwhelmed by that desolation, curled up in a ball on the floor and longing for the touch of someone holding you tight but not comforting you, aware of the soullessness and empty hollowness of his house and yet reluctant to leave it, feeling so alone and yet not wanting company, even of the feline kind. Even a few shipboard posts were done on autopilot, like loading the washing machine and glancing at the pile of dishes that ought to be in the dishwasher.
Tomorrow I will record about the wonderful day we had yesterday, celebrating Dad's life and joining together to wish him God Speed. But for today I feel desolate and still and empty and alone and I need to acknowledge that.