Categories: uncategorized
Date: 15 April 2009 21:15:01
Today was tougher than I expected - strange how naive we can be at times. The police came to bring back the things that were seized last September. There was so so much!
Here was me, looking forward to seeing the officer again whom I could happily describe as having become my friend. Here was me, too, looking forward to allowing the Smudgelet to have his big brother's bike (Eldest son won't be needing it for a while and the Smudgelet's kneecaps end up up his nostrils wheh he rides his own now) and to replacing his broken computer with the laptop his brother used. But what I hadn't thought about was the clothes.
I cleared my eldest son's bedroom last week, sending some of his larger clothes to my brother's for storage, and sending the rest to a charity which takes teenagers' clothes to a Romanian orphanage. I had forgotten that the police had the clothes he was wearing when arrested. It was hard to see them, harder still to re-acknowledge that he'll never wear them again.
Thanks to a good friend, they have now gone. Bad timing, though. I want to cry. I want to cry and not to stop. All the hopes and dreams I had for that boy of mine. All the love and times we share. The clothes which looked so good on him - new ones, which I'd recently bought for him, knowing how much they'd suit him, and how proud I often feel of how good he looks. Ho hum.
At least it is something which will help in my new job, this knowledge of the feeling of losing those dreams. The grieving for a child who's still there, but not quite as you'd thought they would be. The lost opportunities.
I love the film "mamma mia" but one song always makes me cry.
"Slipping through my fingers all the time,
do I really know what's in her mind,
each time I think I'm close to knowing,
she keeps on growing,
slipping through my fingers all the time......
Sleep in her eyes, her and me at the breakfast table,
Barely awake, I let precious time go by,
Then, when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling,
And a sense of guilt I can't deny...
What happened to those wonderful adventures,
The places I had planned that we should go?
Well, some of that we did, but most we didn't,
and why I just don't know....."
But no time for tears. The Wightmeet advance party are here, another coming tomorrow (while I'm "overseas" at my son's review - talk about bad timing!) and then the whole onslaught on Friday.
At least there might be someone to mend the bathroom light switch!