Categories: uncategorized
Date: 12 February 2009 08:19:32
Three days ago we got the letter. The new date for a day hanging around in the court cafe,waiting to be called in for the last hearing of all. These days tear me apart. Each time he's been listed for early in the morning - totally ridiculous when he's got to travel all the way here, but it means we have to be there from 9.30 onwards, sitting in the cafe and waiting. Just waiting. Want a cup of coffee? Not sure, because if I get a cup of coffee, they'll come and fetch us, and we only ever have a moment's notice before we have to go racing in: "He's already in court and they're about to begin, come on!" Do I risk a run to the toilet - don't know, cos I'd hate to be locked in the loo and miss being called. So we sit, rading the same sentence in our books again and again, or pacing from side to side in the little cafe (as long as there's nobody else in there, of course), and watching the door in anticipation of someone looking for us.
The last of these hearings will definitely break my heart. I am dreading it. But it's been put off so many times that it's now become a vague presence in the back of my mind. First before Christmas, then after Christmas, then mid-January, then end of January, then early Feb, then late Feb. The date which arrived three days ago had a sense of real definiteness to it. I chatted with the people who support me in this and they talked me through what would happen and how the run-up to it looks. We booked a date for a final review visit before sentencing. All systems go.
It was a strange sensation. I suddenly realised I was almost afraid to lose this limbo state. Finally having a date seemed so scary, so final. It was a bit like when I was waiting for Dad to die - I knew it was coming, but the limbo time, though uncertain, had a sort of safety feeling to it. Once this waiting time is over, there will be adjustment - something that in some ways I don't want to happen. There will be decision making on a large scale. There will be simply getting on with it.
For two days I've been in a strange sort of feeling - a fear of the finality of sentencing. My mind had sort of decided that it would never happen,it's been delayed so long.
Then yesterday evening I heard it would probably be delayed again.