Categories: uncategorized
Date: 02 February 2009 09:09:22
I wish making decisions was easier.
You know, when I was 18, and 22, and 23, and 24, making decisions was so exciting. The whole world was my oyster - what did I want to do, where did I want to go, how did I want my life to develop? Somehow at... er... formumblemumblecoughour... it seems somewhat more daunting and overwhelming.
I really don't want to teach any more. Well, that's not 100% true. I do want to teach. I want to teach in the way that teaching was when I first went into it, in the days when the children were more important than the league tables and childhood was not a matter of simply jumping through academic hoops. An emailed bulletin from work this morning confirmed my feelings that the political side of teaching has become one stress that I could actually remove from my life. With further budget cuts putting everyone under more pressure still, and with progress towards the reorganisation of the school system here making everything so uncertain, I have to admit I am dreading launching myself back into it, knowing that there can only be worse to come. I remember when I was the Smudgelet's age, my Dad had a nervous breakdown, or came close to it, for similar reasons - although he worked for the ambulance service at the time. For him it was the introduction of "targets", the sudden change of patients from being people to being numbers on a spreadsheet, the dilemma of being a caring person in a caring vocation where caring suddenly seems to count for nothing.
But with unemployment on the Island rising from 2000 to 3000 in the space of the last few weeks and the jobs pages of the local paper filling only a couple of sides, mostly minimum wage jobs, it's scary. I feel guilty for thinking that I need a reasonable income - plenty of people live on far lower incomes than I do. But I have never been as insecure financially as I am now - when my father was around he provided the financial backup that made me feel safe taking risks (such as having the children) but he is no longer there, and my inheritance and savings all disappeared while I was caring for him and then in building the extension... an extension that was built to house two children after a decision to stay on the Island rather than move because I loved working in the Middle School system!.. an extension which was purpose built and which I would be heartbroken to leave. This is my first month of half pay, of no child or adoption allowances for eldest child - a considerable drop in income. Last month I needed to replace my washing machine. This month I've had to replace my mobile phone, I've had to have the brake cylinder replaced on my car, and now it looks as though it's going to need new brakes and a new starter motor too, and this month I have to pay for the computer I bought for eldest son and the one I bought for me, to replace the one which no longer worked. Not that these work properly - I must remember to get them repaired before the warranty runs out. Massive costs... plus counselling.. plus trips "overseas". It's scary. It's very scary.
I need to make decisions I don't feel up to making. I need to make decisions now which are dependent on things beyond my control happening in the future. And the decisions I make will have a major impact upon the Smudgelet and me... at a time when I really wish things were more stable.
I have decided. The only option is to become a kept woman. Anyone volunteer for the role of keeping me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed?