Categories: uncategorized
Date: 01 January 1970 00:59:59
thinking of you, meditating on you through the night" (Psalm 63, v6)
Again the week's psalm comes into its own. Last night was a trial. Nearing the end of my first full week, I am experiencing utter exhaustion. I made myself a cup of coffee in the staffroom yesterday and could hardly lift the cup. So you can imagine how well prepared I was physically for the rigours of last night. In fact, I could say it was the psalm that saw me through.
First of all Tiddles. He comes home from school with, yet again, equipment missing, which tries my patience. I speak to him about it and he bursts into tears, complains of a headache and promptly begins a massive tantrum. He is prone to tantrums, bless him, when tired or stressed and they can be pretty impressive (as can the bruises on him and me by the end of them) - and this one matched it. Tired, I reacted badly - made things worse - lost my temper. Then came the whisper.
IN the Bible study I had been saying about the words "I sing for joy in the shadow of your protecting wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me" and it had reminded me of a child I fostered. He finally was reunited with his dad and my last sight of him was him reaching out to his dad. His dad ignored him, and eight-year-old A just held on to the hem of his coat as they walked away. A heart-rending sight. I had said how sometimes our love is not unconditional, but no matter how we rant and rail at God and screw things up, he is always waiting to enfold us in his arms. I realised that my tiredness and his behaviour were creating a rift between Tiddles and me. I held him as he kicked, screamed and writhed for an hour or more, until he collapsed weeping in my arms and longing to be cuddled. Then I held him again as he vomitted repeatedly, and was able gently to put him to bed.
Then Smudgelet. He was, of course, distressed by his brother's tantrum, but went happily to bed and fell asleep. Within half an hour he was awake and weeping with a sore throat and headache. A dose of Calpol helped for a short while, but then he woke again, and was inconsolable as he was missing a much-loved member of his birth family. I tried to sleep, but in vain, his tears were too hard to ignore and again I felt called to wrap my arms round him. I broke the rules and slipped into bed beside him. Some children are just lovely to sleep with - he is not one of them! He moans and groans, tosses and turns, I got an elbow in the ribs, and then one in the eye... I slept very little, but was at peace, and prayed a lot. "I lie awake thinking of you, meditating on you through the night".
Today he was a bit put out when he asked if he should wear playclothes and I said "It's a Friday, you need your uniform". I sent him in to school, but had to make a mad-dash mercy mission to fetch him at lunch time. In fact, I made a bit of a blunder due to tiredness - dismissed my third-lesson class five minutes early, thinking it was 12.15 rather than 11.15, leapt in the car and raced off to collect him. As I reached the end of the road, a little voice nagged at the back of my mind, I did a rapid three point turn and raced back to the school, arriving just in time to let my next class in for lesson four! By the time lunchtime came and I could get away to collect him, he was perfectly fine, of course, but he rather enjoyed the attention of being the only five-year-old amongst my ruffians for the afternoon (and it was really really lovely to see how gentle and tender they were towards him, my rough tough lads)
Fish Bible reading this morning was "Consider the Lilies of the Field". I wasn't quite so sure what I made of the commentry and "Something to Do" today - I think maybe I was just too tired to consider them properly. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. My non-contact time in school (another bonus one that I wasn't expecting - Thanks God!) was spent talking with friends and nipping in here to read the Gospel of John Wiblog - which made a whole lot more sense this time! :-) Oh... and eating strawberry gateaux !
This evening my usual Ship time was spent getting ahead of myself with the washing and washing up - the kitchen has never looked quite so bare! ...and catching up with some sleep.... and doing my one scan and post of the ship. Early night tonight, methinks.