Categories: uncategorized
Date: 01 January 1970 00:59:59
I know partly, but not completely.
On Thursday, as a parting shot when he went into his home after our trip to the hospital and our short conversation about Smudgelet's adoption service, Dad said "I may have a date of my own around then to think about". I asked him what he meant, and he just shrugged his shoulders and walked off.
Today he was just ready to take the Smudgelet for a walk and I was busy cleaning the climbing frame. He casually dropped the bombshell. I think it was the way he did it that has shaken me so.
"By the way, I'll be otherwise engaged on Easter Sunday so you'll have to see to your own lunch" (A bit of a blow, this one, anyway as I have always made a point of refusing to do anything on Easter Sunday so that we can be together as a family - we even go to Dad's church rather than our own)
Me: Oh? What have you got planned?
Dad: Not telling
Me: Hey, come on. What is it?
Dad: Oh, just going with my friend B to be baptised. There's a private pool at Gurnard and it's free that day.
Me: What do you mean, dad?
Dad: Baptised. You know, what you're supposed to do if you're a Christian but nobody really bothers with? Well, the pool's free that day so B's taking me to be baptised. So I won't be around.
I think your sister would come if I asked her. You can too, if you want to. I suppose it would be OK to bring the lads, though not if you don't want to come. I'm not bothered if you'd rather not, if you don't think much of the idea.
Why am I so shaken? I don't know. I hated the way he told me - really hated that. I know he was afraid of rejection and anticipates it by doing it this way, but why hadn't he talked to me about it? Why was he so offhand? Why did he have to make me feel that if I did go, it was under sufferance, as though daring me to say no?
Why does it have to be Easter Sunday? I suppose it is the perfect day for it, if I'm honest. And I'm wrong to be resentful of the arrangements I've made for our Easter Day together - I suppose it was the "not around" comment that got me there. I think I'm more resentful that it's the week before Smudgelet's celebration. It seems wrong to say it'll steal his thunder because that's not what baptism is all about, but...
I think the biggest thing is that this just isn't my Dad. He seems so different these days, and not for the better. I can't put my finger on what I don't like about the influence of this Christian group he spends time with in addition to his own church. Am I just jealous of the affection he seems to have for them? Do I just feel guilty because he is responding to the fuss they make of him when he feels lonely and shut out of our busy lives? I don't know. Their way of expressing their Christianity is very different to my own, maybe that's just it - maybe I feel threatened. I don't know. Who can I talk to about it? Nobody but God, and somehow it feels strange talking to God about feeling disturbed about my Dad wanting to be baptised.
Wish I knew what to do. Wish I could talk to my Dad. Wish our close relationship wasn't so strained at the moment. Wish life were simple.
This on top of the news last night that I am to become a great-aunt - and not in the best of circumstances either. An unplanned baby in a newly blossoming relationship (only the second time I'd heard the girl's name mentioned), a difficult pregnancy, a job move on the near horizon to an area not ideal for young families with a tiny baby. It will be lovely to have a baby in the family again, and I pray for everything to work for the best for them. But unsettling news. (Plus the fact that I am far far too young to be a great-aunt)
One glimmer of brightness (apart from the beautiful sunshine today) - I have found the missing photographs. I can't believe it. I opened the bedroom curtains and there they were on the windowsill!!! Perfect timing. My eldest suddenly, after four and half years of not wanting to know, now wants to see the photos of his birth family and talk about his past. After four and a half years of keeping them safe, I had moved the photos and couldn't find them! It will be an emotional time, but a positive one, I know.
In the meantime, the sun is shining. I want to go to the beach.