Categories: uncategorized
Date: 14 February 2004 12:41:32
Please forgive me if I muse a while. I need to get things straight in my mind and this seems a good way to do it.
I want a way of seeing a glimpse of the future and I know it's not possible - would I want it if I could, I wonder? What decision we make about Dad (including him in the "we" of course) is so dependent on second-guessing what may happen in the future. I've had an idea which could work - that we rent out his home to release some money, have an extension built to mine which includes a room with en-suite shower room for him, and we use the extra income to allow me to work part time. The benefits would be that I have more time to do the things which I am currently fitting into an overpacked day, he would have the security of knowing I was there and the company which he so craves. He'd probably be far easier to get on with that way too.
I don't want him to go into a nursing home. He'd hate it, I'd hate it. He's still really capable, too, and it seems a shame to make him lose that positive aspect to his life - I think he'd just give up and fade away.
How would having him here affect the children? I don't know. In many ways it would be really quite hard. We'd have to impose limits. But then, with separate sitting rooms maybe that'd be possible. And I wouldn't be torn between two separate places once the children were in bed. Are the elder's tantrums going to get better or worse? It's impossible to tell. Would having a separate bedroom help him control them a little better, or at least contain them? Having Dad with us would enable us to do that.
Probably the biggest issue is me. What does the future hold for me? I've lived nearly forty years without a man in my life - the likelihood of one coming along now is fairly slim I reckon. But then my sister met the man of her dreams at well over forty. To have Dad to live with us would mean accepting that my life is to be that of a single person caring for my family for as long as I have them. It would mean accepting singledom as my way of life. Perhaps that would be easier anyway. Perhaps the easiest way to come to terms with doing this totally on my own would be to properly accept that that's the situation and always will be. It would be horrendous to put dad in a home just in case I were to fall in love with someone who loved me too (Why does it never work that way?) when the likelihood is I never will. But then, it's a big step to say "this is it" and take on a commitment which will totally quash all possibility of a relationship. As if it weren't unlikely enough when I have two children who aren't my own for any man to accept and learn to love. But of course I long for someone to take me in their arms and make it all better just by being there.
And the awful bit of wanting to see into the future - how long are we talking about? I hardly want to consider this one. If we're talking Dad being around just a short time, then the answer is clear. This solution is by far the best. But the way things are with modern medicine (and the way he looks after himself so well too) there's the chance he could be around for another twenty years. Could I cope with that? Especially as there's a possibility that Smudgelet will need nursing care in his adult life?
I am having to admit I'm not superwoman - I can't do it all, and I can't put things right, but I do need to think carefully to see the best way forward for all of us. We can't go on without changes, but what changes are the best ones? I just don't know.
If you have read this, please pray for us.