Categories: uncategorized
Date: 17 March 2004 08:48:36
Sometimes saying goodbye is harder than at other times. It was certainly hard this morning when Smudgelet got velcroed to me. All wrapped up in his winter coat ready for school, he came for the final hug and kiss goodbye - and his coat fastened itself firmly to my fleecy dressing gown! I had to peel him off!
It's funny sometimes how talking to the children helps put my own thoughts and feelings in perspective. Giving advice is often easier than taking it, but there's no avoiding listening to the advice you give to others. Last night Smudgelet and I had a long and tearful talk about saying goodbye to the past. He lives apart from his much loved older sister, with contact just four times a year and he misses her dreadfully. We have tears quite frequently at bedtime. It's hard to say to a six year old that there comes a time when you have to say goodbye to a hope that things might be different and learn to keep the sadness in its rightful place - not deny that it is there, but acknowledge it, grieve and move on. I'm encouraging him to blow her a kiss at bedtime, imagine her doing something nice, and then focus on something nice that's happened during his day as a picture to take with him to sleep.
For me it's a case of doing that with a few old friends - one who was a close friend online and two who were close friends at work. Just say goodbye, wish them well, and move on and remember that it's only a few very special friendships that actually last. Focus on consolidating new friendships and rebuilding my support network.
It's a case of doing it with hopes too, sometimes. Acknowledging they were there and moving on. Mid life crisis, I suppose - coming to terms with the fact that I had always hoped to meet someone eventually that I wanted to share my life with and have children of my own conceiving as well as those who were just born into my heart. To hold a tiny baby in my arms and know that its whole growing will be reliant on me - the bit of my own children which I find I begrudge their birth mothers. In fact, I have to acknowledge that it was more than a hope, more of an expectation of it being the natural course of things. And face that the only man I have ever met who could have filled that role actually married my best friend. With four weddings to go to this year and my fortieth birthday on the near horizon, it's time to readjust my life plans and get the most out of the wonderful life I've got and the depth of love I feel from my family and friends and just let go of the dream. Rip the velcro! And just like with velcro, maybe the sound of that tearing is loud and heart-wrenching but the actual doing is far easier than anticipated and brings a new freedom.
Don't keep looking back - you end up trapped in a pillar of salt, going nowhere.