Categories: uncategorized
Date: 24 March 2004 22:36:37
I think I've made a decision. I think I have to go part time. Hmmm.... scary. The church job is a non-starter because it doesn't pay enough to keep me going. On the plus side, the man from advocacy seemed pretty certain Dad would get at least the lower rate of Attendance Allowance. That will help a bit. It was so hard this morning seeing him at such a low ebb and really facing up to the fact that he'll never be independent again. I hated doing that. It seemed so demeaning. But at least the money will be a help if he gets it, and there's even a chance that he might get the higher rate as he's at such risk of falling and I have to be contactable. So I continue to make enquiries and gather together all the available benefits and work possibilities and contemplate where we can cut expenditure....
I had a lovely session with my counsellor. The sessions go so quickly, neither of us could believe it the hour was up just as we were really getting into our discussion. It was quite frustrating. Today we talked about the "me" that's lost in the middle of all this, the "me" I would love to be, the things I love doing, the type of people I like to be with, my hopes and aspirations. And we also talked about defining roles and responsibilities, through which I found myself becoming far more assertive. She's decided to use my father's first name rather than refer to him as my dad, and that's surprisingly liberating. It's also her who's really helped me bring myself to this decision about sacrificing the money in favour of happiness and calm. Wonder if Smudgelet will see it the same way when he doesn't get the birthday party he's set his heart on! Tiddles does, I know. I met some colleagues from school today and was talking about my plans with them, and said "I need time for my children and my father first".... and my sweet little eleven-year-old Mr Sensitive added "and for yourself, mummy, and for yourself".
He and I had a great time this afternoon. I picked him up from school and took him into town to buy his first pair of walking boots. All being well he is going on his first ever hike with the Scouts next week. He is so excited. I just hope he can make it through to Monday without a tantrum so he doesn't miss it. The boots are lovely... and amazingly on special offer at only £6 !!! We were so overcome with pleasure at getting them so easily, we just had to celebrate with milkshakes and hot chocolates at Thorntons! We managed a bit of browsing in the shops too. Of course, as always happens when contemplating having to economise, I spent a fortune. On essentials, mind, on essentials. A new waterproof sheet for Smudgelet's bed, a new Bible for Tiddles to take to school as his old one's disintegrated, a book to help Smudgelet prepare for communion, two videos... Look, they are essentials, honest. If I have to watch Thomas and the Magic Railway one more time, I swear I'll commit a serious crime! And they were on special offer so cheaper than renting.
Hmmm... I've just remembered the cleaner is coming tomorrow. Oh dear, I'd better rediscover the kitchen again. How come it took two of us three hours to make the place tidy but only took the three of us a matter of moments to make it just as bad again?