Categories: uncategorized
Date: 25 March 2004 00:19:50
OK God, would you whisper a little louder please? I want to follow the way you want me to go, but it's not that easy to work out what it is.
How do we judge whom to trust? We go by gut reaction and experience. Gut reaction and experience tells me to trust you. I know you won't let me fall, but what if I make the wrong choices, just because I didn't hear you right? I know too that you don't toy with people, but why does every opened door seem to be accompanied by a closing one? Is it a test? Surely I'm not a worthy experiment like Job was - and my trials are nothing compared to him, I know. Maybe it's coincidence, but is there such a thing? Why, when I have taken the step to end a friendship where the friend felt threatened by my friendship, does my son suddenly start playing with a gift from this person (which he's not touched or bothered about in about eight months) and why do we both choose the same night to go into the cafe after not being there for ages. Fortunately I'd been there long enough to bid goodnight and withdraw, so they'd have the freedom to chat in there, but why couldn't it have been separate nights? Why did Smudgelet have to have a development day the day I'd planned an "escape" day? Why do my dad's hospital appointments always coincide with my hairdresser's appointment? Why, when I have persuaded Dad to eat ready meals again at lunchtime, does he begin to lose interest in his evening meals and make me feel like I need to make them for him? It feels like you're trying to say something, God, and I'm not sure what. I know you don't want me to be unhappy or stressed - consider the lilies of the field, they neither reap or sow - and I trust you and love you and feel your arms holding me tight, but I wish you'd raise your voice a bit.