Categories: uncategorized
Date: 14 January 2005 00:25:46
I must say thank you to everybody that has been supportive through this extremely difficult time.
I am considering counselling. I had never thought my problems 'important' enough to even warrant the thought of a counsellor but I have been struggling a bit recently. I guess it would be good to see a neutral, impartial person that could just say it how it is (if that's what they do). I used to do so much of my talking to my housemate, since he was there, but I feel a little bit wary about dumping it all on him considering all that's happened. I'm sure it must be difficult for him as well and I sometimes wonder how much of his advice is biased. He has been great though, yesterday was a tough day and he had done my washing while I was at work and then cooked me dinner (it was his turn but I like to think of it as a nice thing).
My ex-boyfriend seems to be taking steps in the right direction and in some small way, that makes me feel better. He is seeing a counsellor and going out with friends. I guess keeping busy is a good way to help time take over the healing process. I still so very much care about him and worry about how he is. I hope he will be alright.
If alot of things hadn't been said and done (I can't get one thing in particular out of my mind that he has done which was extremely hurtful) we may have, in time, been able to get back together. I think time is going to help us grow to be better people and help us deal better, in the future, with personal relationships.
He has realised how much his chamber choir means to me and I prayer that one day he will be able to let me sing with them again. In some ways I feel quite possessive of the choir (having been there from the very beginning) and it breaks my heart not to be a part of it. It was such a big part of my life (musically and socially) and I will miss it.
My parents have been very supportive recently. They rang me while I was at work (it was about 8pm in Canada) to make sure I was okay. Mother and I just cried together on the phone. They have both been sending me lovely emails and mother even braved technology and signed into a chat room with me! I am blessed to have such a wonderful family (not to mention my wonderful supportive friends!).
Today I don't feel so empty, I can't really explain it but for a while I have felt quite numb, like what is happening around me doesn't really matter. I remember thinking that I wouldn't have minded if the plane crashed on the way back from New Zealand, then I wouldn't have to deal with all the things that were happening. That's starting to change a bit now and I am greatful.