Categories: uncategorized
Date: 18 January 2005 01:19:59
I think I am being ignored by my ex now which is very difficult to deal with. It's possibly best for the both of us, but still, hard to cope with when I am so used to communicating with him. I do miss him.
The choir I am now not 'allowed' to attend had its first rehearsal for the year yesterday. I hired out my two favourite Buffy episodes ('One more Time with Feeling' - the musical episode and 'Hush' - the silent episode) and also a Dutch film called 'Antonia's Line' which won an Academy Award for Best Foriegn Film. I put them on one after the other but couldn't keep my eyes off the clock and thinking 'choir would be starting now', 'they are probably having a break now' and 'they are probably all heading off the to the pub now for a good time'.
What hurts almost as much as not being there, was realising that I had been deleted from the email list so I no longer can know what's going on. People are still on that list who haven't attended in months or in one case, over a year, and I am just scrubbed from the list even though I want to be there!! I have been there from the very beginning of the choir and have helped with decisions on people and music and I am just chucked out, just like that. I am quite bitter about this at the moment. I even wondered what would happen if I just turned up, I respect that he doesn't want to see me but it was rather spiteful deleting me from the email list. I feel like I am trying to be erased! In a really pathetic way, I was sad that nobody has emailed or SMSed me to say that they missed me being there. I feel very alone.
I am considering doing some volunteer work, not sure what yet but I will find something. I don't really have any social events with groups of people since I am no longer attending choir and I feel that at least I could do some good this way.
Haven't yet sorted out a counsellor, just nervous about dumping my feelings on a stranger. I will most likely get around to booking an appointment today though.
I had coffee with my singing teacher yesterday. She has been lovely throughout everything. She has spared me quite a bit of money and is now offering me a scholarship for the year so that is something positive. Sounds like there are lots of things going on this year that I can be involved with (I must get my thesis sorted out though, it's due at the end of this year). We are even putting on Gilbert and Sullivan's 'The Sorcerer' again as our bit towards the tsunami relief effort. I thought that was a great idea and am ecstatic that I can be involved in something to raise funds. I guess it also means that my ex-boyfriend is going to have to face me sometimes because he conducts the shows.
Just having a down day today.