Categories: uncategorized
Date: 16 December 2005 11:22:18
Now there's some say you get what you deserve, but they're wrong
sometimes you get what you're given, and then it's all gone
and you are lucky if you are sufficiently strong
to daily decide not to die
Karine Polwart- The Sun's Comin' Over the Hill
People tell me I'm a strong person. Not physically, emotionally I suppose. They say that to be able to deal with what I have had (and continue to have) thrown at me, I must be more resilient than most. I take this as a compliment.
However, a few things about this make me think. First, what's so great about the way I deal with things? To me, this so called strength is just what I do, how I deal with stuff. I can't really imagine another option. Life throws crap at you, you carry on, what else can you do? I suppose I could collapse in a teary heap (and believe me, I do that too sometimes) or explode in a fit of anger, but that just seems pointless. Some things are just crap, so you deal with them. Life goes on, it has to.
Second, is that I'm not sure whether I'm strong therefore I deal with these things, or these things happen to me, therefore I'm stronger. Do you follow? It's sort of a chicken and egg situation. I'm not sure that I'm any stronger than anyone else, but just maybe I've had more than most to deal with (especially in the last year, and it doesn't seem to be over yet) and so I've got used to it. Maybe if things didn't turn out badly I wouldn't know what to do!
And third, I'm not sure I always want to be able to deal with it. Sometimes I'd like to not have to deal with stuff, life whatever. It would be nice if there was a time when things were ok, and stuff didn't happen that required this much dealing with. I know that's unrealistic, but hey, I'm allowed. And, maybe if I wasn't so resilient (or whatever you want to call it), people would think twice before throwing this crap at me. Maybe I make it worse for myself because it's obvious I can cope. I don't really think I believe that last bit, but I'm just feeling a bit weighed down at the moment, and need to get it out.
Thanks. And don't worry, I'm strong enough to deal with this, as I have everything else.