Categories: uncategorized
Date: 03 October 2009 21:22:37
Luckily the weather is starting to turn...the days have begun getting shorter and darker and cooler - winter will soon be upon us. Perhaps it's time to start going through last year's clothes to find long sleeves and sweaters and jeans and pants and leggings... or maybe I'll wait one more week, dress in layers, and enjoy the crispiness of the season change.
I got very nostalgic for past things & people who came with autumn. Earlier in the week, became very nostalgic. Momentarily sad. But then I had a very stern talking-to to myself, and things are a bit more on track. Sometimes we've got to go to extreme in order to begin change & make progress in a positive direction.
Hmmmm....wonder if that's what has taken me so long with this food thing. Now, when I'm in the grocery store or out & about or with friends & food, I can see very clearly what's a good food to fuel my body. Am starting to create a new normal about what it means to eat, fuel my person, what will taste good, what foods will make my body feel good... the infamous dream-inducing pizza? total crap. And it's good for me to have experienced this... this is a trial & error process.
This morning I went to two farmers markets - one is closer to my home, but I'd never been before. It was nice, but a little bit trendy and $. And few farmers/vendors. So I stopped by the cash machine and went to a second farmers market (this one is open year round) and was able to score some ripe bananas (good for banana bread & frozen to make smoothies in the future) and a variety of apples (whooo-hoo, love apples) and some goat cheese... lots of good finds.
I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. I work with children, so there *are* children in my life. Just none that are mine. And maybe I'm gonna be ok with that. In the future. And I saw so many wonderful young families and couples and fathers & husbands at the markets today... providing for their families and loved ones. [edit: i know, i know...stop whining. it's just that this is where I am right now] And this observation is not necessarily envy. Because I've had a few people in my life who have said they loved me. I'm not sure how valid it was, based on the context...but that's a story for a different day. Therefore, my logical mind concludes that I'm lovable. And I was created to love & give (am learning that it's important to be a bit more reserved in this area...the 'giving to people who are gentically programmed to take' and have a predisposition to not meet needs or give anything of themselves in meaningful way) It's more of a noticing that these things are not present at the moment. But perhaps that's because I'm not ready for them. [edit: i know - i get it...truly: get on with my life. Ok, so it's not how i thought it would be. so pick yourself up by the bootstraps and create a new normal, a new future, a new present - just do it!] It is tiring to hear friends and acquaintances tell me about waiting, it's when you're not looking, or when you're busy living love knocks at your door. Ok. I get it. That's ok. Fine. I'm a smart woman. I'm just trying to wrap my head around more years of the same... there's only so much of this independent-I-can-do-it-myself-so-I-don't-get-hurt-or-disappointed-style I can do. It's exhausting. I need people. I need my friends. I need to care. And I'm tired from pretending that I don't care. Because I really, really do. But it's ok. I'm going to be just fine. There *are* people in my life who edify me. I just need to let them know that I need them. Perhaps that's a significant portion of the problem. Letting them know. But how often is someone supposed to ask for help and share his/her need with people when they don't respond or attempt to meet some/any of those expressed needs? Again, it's exhausting. Perhaps I'm my own worst enemy. That thought has crossed my mind before. Then there's the whole notion of moving... will moving really help me address these issues? yes, I'll be closer to my parents and old friends from 15+ years ago...and my roots & old stomping grounds. But I'm still me. I'm still gonna be there. Moving is just geography. And there's the old saying that 'we can't go home again'...to which I agree.
My thoughts sometimes get loud, and I can't really think because there's so much going on in my head... so over the past few years I've figured out a solution: listen to music really *really* loudly... then I can enjoy it without my thoughts interfering with the enjoyment. So today's loud musical craving is Ingrid - Michaelson. here, too. And John Mayer. And Jason Mraz. Loudly.