Categories: uncategorized
Date: 03 March 2008 12:51:39
thank you all for coming for tea - it's been delightful, and selfishly, it's been truly uplifting.
About a month ago, I mentioned my desire to bloom where I'm planted and get involved in the church I keep returning to, and to join a bible study group (people call them different things - this one is based on sermon discussion).
Last week we had our first meeting. Everyone is about the same age (late 20's, early-late 30's) and there are 3 married couples and several single members, 10 people in all. It was nice to meet everyone, they seem nice, and I think we'll have a good time.
We spent the first week getting to know each other a bit & deciding what we want our group to look like... and this upcoming week (2nd meeting) we are supposed to share our "faith story" (8-10 minutes) which I interpret to mean 1) how God has worked in my life and 2) important milestones in my faith. But this seems different from a "testimony" where you go in deep and share the ins & outs of how God has worked in your life... it's more of a summary. At least that's how I interpret it.
Here's where the dilemma comes in:
to share my story, it gets personal... duh. But at the same time, my past is my past, and while God has done some amazing things, I don't necessarily want to bring my past into my present with new people... but past experience and milestones are important in my ‘story' as they help explain who/why I am today.
Basically I don't want to send out bitter vibes, or discontentedness... or negative thoughts. As I've worked so hard to be where I am today.
But my past helps explain why I haven't joined a church (yet) and why I'm cautious to join a church /prayer/bible study group. No church is going to be perfect, I just need to be in a place where I feel comfortable and can grow in its community.
I need to be around people... although I'm not volunteering for every project or activity they have - because I'm emotionally exhausted... it's time to receive and heal, so that in the future I can give out of a place of fulfillment instead of from emptiness.
So what do you think? As I was writing this blog, I thought it might be a good idea to preface my ‘faith story' by saying something along the lines of... ‘I don't want to be sending out bitter vibes' etc. and kind of skip around the major incidents and focus on the milestones of faith...? Each group I've been in is different, people have different experiences and expectations...
I've actually been in more than 1 situation where I shared about myself, and someone questioned my Christianity b/c I did not give them a date/time when I became a Christian. Actually, I can't remember a time when I wasn't a Christian. I was raised in an Episcopalian/Anglican home, was baptized, confirmed, (parents/family was involved in leadership/vestry, etc.), and involved in Sunday school and youth group in jr. high and high school... campus ministries in college... and various churches along the way. I just don't want to experience that ‘rejection' again. Which is why, when we discussed what we wanted our group to look like last week, I said it's important to respect differences, no one has to be ‘right' and I don't want the group to be a debate session. I've done this before... and it's painful. Emotionally and spiritually painful. Here the Episcopal church does not meet my needs - it's great for families, but ministry is lacking for singles.
I think more than anything I'm just nervous to be part of a group because that means at some level I'm vulnerable. And vulnerability means I can feel and grow...but it also invites hurt. I've done such a nice job protecting myself from pain and hurt by dividing my world into safe/not safe people and situations... and now, centuries later, it's time to invite others into my private life... I'm such a private person... and yet I realize just how lonely it can be in a world of safety. Don't worry - I won't cross boundaries or share more than is appropriate... we'll get to know each other gradually. I just don't want to be perceived as negative or brooding when in fact I'm just sharing pieces of my faith history which help explain who I am today...
If you've read this far, thank you for reading. And if you have any thoughts on the above please share. Completely random & unrelated jokes are also acceptable, as a sense of humo(u)r goes a long way :)