empty & foolish

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 28 March 2008 05:15:26

why, you ask...? because i thought i'd feel happy and fulfilled by opening up my home and preparing and serving dinner for eight.

and dinner was fun and conversation good and everyone (including myself) had a nice time... lots of laughter and good stories.

but

then they left.
and my home was empty.
and i felt more alone than i have in a long while...

added to the mix were two very cool younger married couples
and a handful of single people (two of which were totally hitting it off - which is great! except i had a crush on one of them... which is where the 'foolish' part of the title comes in)

i guess what's hard is: i have so much to offer. i give what i can. i'm meeting people, reconnecting with church, committing to going etc, being open to opportunities as they come... creating a new job opportunity for myself at work... but i guess it comes down to one thing, once again - and there's something i fight about my weight - both the "having it" and the "losing it". i've accomplished so much... and i just can't tackle this one thing (which, as most educated people know, is really not about the weight)

it's hard to be un-bitter and un-prickly when people (male and female) disregard me on several levels...

my expectations for tonight's dinner were unrealistic... which usually leads to feelings of emptiness. thus my current state. things will look better tomorrow. they always do. but right now i'm just empty... and a little bit sad.

in other news - my neighbor called today, which was a huge blessing... there has been some recent miscommunication, and now that's all sorted out.

and my niece is spending the night tomorrow night - which will be fun... she doesn't know it yet, but we're not spending the night in my basement w/ couches and spare beds & television... nope: she's gonna sleep on the couch with me in my own bed - much simpler (and warmer!) that way (the basement is so cold)

and i have plans on Saturday to spend time with a new friend from church. maybe she's someone i could talk to about my foolish-ness... i have a feeling she'd give me a reality check. we'll see - this will be our 2nd time hanging out, so i just hope we dont' get arrested. hehe