a quote

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 07 October 2006 05:56:42

"I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait."

my father gave me that quote many years ago... it was on my backpack for some time, during intense journey-ing years. then one day i covered it up with a brown bandana, folded into an interesting design. I still have the backpack - it still journeys with me some days. And I'm not so lost anymore. Which is a blessing.

It's the end of a very long week for me... I've been conserving my energy, and absent from the wib, and other areas, too.

My father's health is poor, and he has been in/out of hospital for over a year. He was readmitted earlier this week, and today had 'minor heart surgery'... whatever that means. I think I've made my peace with him, his condition, and his death... but then today I got a huge wave of saddness considering there might be bad news. I thought it woudln't affect me. But how could it not? I suppose feelings about parents are often conflicted, confusing, and complicated. The three C's. Let's just consider those feelings apply to me in this case, too.

I decided that tonight I would enjoy some down time at home... by myself. Huge blessing. Sometimes the week goes by so quickly and I dont' have time to breathe. I don't want to operate my life that way. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be wasting precious time... but I also know I don't want to go through life alone... but I also know that my potential/future partner isn't in the picture - so I better stay busy and productive until that time comes... but I also know if I'm too busy to see him or notice when it's right before my eyes, I might just be too busy for years to come...which is not my intention. Who knows. Perhaps i should stop looking (but remain open)... I almost think I'm there. Who knows. Only time will tell. Hopefully I'm using time (a precious resource) in the best way for me.

My hair is at that awkward length - do I cut it? or hang on a few more months and let it grow to a shoulder-length? And if I let it grow, what will i do with it then? Apparently it's bugging me at the moment.

We had a surprise party for one of my coworkers this afternoon. I made the chocolate-chocolate cake (chocolate chips AND a shaved Hershey's chocolate bar in the batter). Huge hit. She was surprised. Very funny. The students enjoyed being part of it, too. Fun was had by all.

Overall, work is going well. I have about 7 projects on my list-of-things-to-do, and was able to address about 2 of them today. I'm bummed it wasn't more, but am blessed to have those accomplished. The building in which I work is very interesting...I knew there were politics in education, I just didn't realize there were THAT many.

At the end of the day I was going to start a new project...when my coworker came in and asked what I was doing at that very moment. She had had some sort of non-emergency-emergency, and needed to leave work. I was in-between tasks, and she asked me to run a parent meeting for her. Ok. I've never done one of those meetings blind before. But, I guess after a few years, we do them so often... it all turned out ok. The Mom was very nice, the staff filled me in on what I didn't know about the child, and I ran the meeting well. Good cooperative team work :)

So I've been trying the internet dating thing, which wasn't working out. It's so interesting - and I've learned a lot about myself in the process. So I took some time off... then realized the chances of me meeting someone through work (#1 reason: work is primarily women; #2 reason: those women are older w/ children younger than I am, or women who are much younger than me, which means they won't be traveling in the same circles as a man I'd like to date)... anyway, the chances of meeting a potential someone through work are slim. So I got back online, different dating site, and we'll see. This time i have a new strategy - only respond. I will only respond to someone else. That "revolutionary" concept has actually been a huge blessing. I'm better able (now) to depersonalize it when a man isn't interested. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS (when a man isnt' interested)??? That I'm closer than I was before to meeting someone important...a little bit nearer. I have so much to offer, and I got exhausted from giving my very own limited resources out to people who don't honor it and who were unable to give me anything in return... I got empty. and thankfully that wont' happen now.

Someone swept up the dirt on my basement floor! I was so pleased. The house looks great now. Not sure why it took so long, but I sure am glad they did it.

The leaves are starting to turn in my two trees - I have two big ones (one in front, one in back). I won't be raking leaves this year, but mulching them with my lawn mower. That's actually exciting - it will give me a sense of accomplishment to go from a leaf-blanketed yard to a mulched-up, pre-winter lawn. Can't wait to see all of the colors.

Am still getting calls on my condo, but nothing significant yet. I'm not discouraged. Yet. It will be a huge blessing once it's sold and my life can become the new normal, post-condo, and I can fully enjoy my new house. We shall see :)

Today's adjective...? "Pleasantly preoccupied"
My mind has several different television channels running at the same time. Some carry topics described above. Some channels have other scenes in them. Although some of them are sad, or heavy, overall my life is good. I am blessed. It was an exhausting but good day. Am looking forward to tomorrow.