Categories: uncategorized
Date: 17 May 2008 04:58:34
I've been very absent from the wibsite these last few weeks... it's that crazy time of the school year - lots of meetings, reports, make-up therapy sessions (i'm a therapist who works with young children) and more meetings. And paperwork. Have I mentioned the paperwork??! Lots of paperwork...and data. Paperwork and data. And reports. Paperwork, data, and reports. And meetings... I could go on & on, but for the sake of your sanity, I won't :)
I realize I've lost touch with everyone... please - let's give each other a great big group hug (((wibsite))) and start anew. I'll catch up one of these days - there's a lot of reading to be had, new babies to arrive (soon??!), and new job adventures to be updated on... arabic classes...new musical groups... new toddlers... graduations and life beyond university... tons of interesting things :)
Am almost convinced I need to purchase a new computer. Almost because 1) my current computer still turns on/off and most of the programs work 2) new computers are expensive. ...although, I did just get my 2007 tax refund check in the mail...but why stimulate the economy when I could earn a bit of interest and/or pay off debt? you know the motto: "if it ain't broke, don't buy a new one."
My therapist and I have been addressing my weight - have been for a long time. At the beginning, I was so defensive and wouldn't talk to her about it - would shut down, become hostile, etc. Have made lots of progress in that area - so much so, that we are able to discuss things fairly thoroughly now... My older brother thinks I'm weak, a lazy person who sits on her butt all day long and just eats & eats & eats. That's not true. I don't do that. I don't count my calories (at the moment) but I don't eat/binge/graze all day long. It's more of a maintenance thing... I got to this point, and just haven't lost it yet. I'm losing the weight loss battle (? that sentence strikes me funny - lol) There are some mitigating factors: a severe head injury in high school - a single car accident (w/ 2 injuries: one when my head hit the car on impact, and the second when I went into respiratory arrest while they were trying to extricate me from the car... I went into anaphylactic shock while driving home from an Honors Society school party late one night - it was raining and my car went off the road. The authorities thought I hit a slick spot on the road, but in reality I probably ate something (something I was allergic to) at the party, went into respiratory arrest while driving, then went off the road and flipped my car... but I digress. The whole point of the car accident story is to tell you that 14 years post-injury, one of the mild (yet highly impacting) residual issues is impulsivity and sometimes a low threshold for frustration: when I'm doing I'm done (but a lot of people are like that). So the impulsivity impacts my ability to maintain a weight loss program, because the impulsive desire for the quick fix or to abandon the program I've set up for myself is so great. I start something but can't finish it...can't quite do it on my own, and lots of programs have been unsuccessful. And it's not just that weight loss is hard for everyone - there's more to it... Another mitigating factor is I've been treated for years for all types of chemical imbalances - depression, bipolar disorder, an anxiety disorder, severe sleeping disorder, etc. etc. (but in reality - I've probably had none of these things - I've realized these significant things in my history are consistent with post-head injury patients... interesting, huh? everything - all the drugs and trials and tribulations all stem from a single car accident... a single thing i ate one night at a party which my body was allergic to...) anyhoo - I've been on so many drugs, so many of which have weight gain as a side effect. After moving to my current city 8 years ago, I got hooked up with a doctor who was a very very bad man... but I figured it out too late. After 3 years and multiple drug cocktails later, I fired him. Because I gained over 50 pounds in less than a year while taking the last drug - it was a new drug, and the government regulation didn't realize how much weight gain there was with this drug. (He didn't monitor me or take me seriously when I went to him for help. Like I said, a bad man.) Now we know that if a patient does absolutely NOTHING different with diet/exercise, he/she will gain 7 - 9 pounds on average per month. Let's put that into perspective: nothing has changed in your life, except you slowly expand... no one has explained this side effect to you. No one has given you the choice whether or not to experience this particular side effect b/c it wasn't explained (informed consent). And the whole time you're slowly growing, because it's gradual, you wake up one morning much bigger than six months before... and you blame yourself, are confused with how you got to this point - it must be something you're doing wrong... you must believe all those horrible things you think inside your head when you're having a low-self-esteem-day... because why else would you have grown out of your closet and need a whole new wardrobe? but this is between seasons - surely things will fit this summer. Maybe it's not me or my weight - maybe it's the dryer - of course! My clothes are shrinking in the washer/dryer! That's it! Anyway... that's a little insight into a few of the issues that helped me get to this point. I'm not ugly - I am a beautiful person inside, but it's the outside that doesn't necessarily match. My friends see me. My mother sees me. But it's interesting - the bigger I got, the less people in public noticed me. Men stopped holding doors when I'd run into the store. People stopped looking me in the eye. Isn't that interesting? The more weight I gained (the more mass I assumed) the less visible I became. I still think that's interesting. And you know, I realize I have a lot of anger about a lot of things - and I know I'll be angry - livid - the day when... after I lose weight... people start seeing me. And they start holding doors for me. And noticing me. And men, who would have ignored me before, start paying attention to me. Because I'm still the same person - just in a revised package. Where the hell were you before? Why did you choose to ignore me back then? And part of me has given up the notion that I can and will lose weight. If I've given up before I've really gotten started, that's such a defeatist attitude... and how can I win and accomplish a goal with such self-defeating thoughts? So, when people see me (or see through me, as the case may be) they don't know anything about me, who I am, what I've overcome, or the strength I have inside. Which makes me sad. And feel the need to protect myself. And what better way to keep people away than to become/stay invisible...? It's a circle. But at some point I'll get out of going round & round... sometime. I'm working on it. I am a work in progress.
My job has been keeping me busy. In addition to the meetings,etc. mentioned ad nausiam up above... my job may look a little different in August (but we don't know exactly how it'll look exactly - yet). In other news, I reported a daycare center to the State (which is the licensing agency) due to conditions there. That was hard b/c I work in a poor area - where are those children if they're not in daycare - are the children safe? But the daycare was unsafe too... so I did what I needed to do in good conscious. In general, I'm becoming more assertive in the workplace, which has been good for me. And my job is a job - it doesn't define me as it once did. And I am fostering relations and activities outside of work - while doing my job well - to make my personal & professional lives better.
I have a new girlfriend - a girl needs to have a good girlfriend - we have been having fun going to movies, conversations, walks, phone calls... I haven't had this in a long time (someone who lives nearby - most of my close friends live very far away). So this has been a huge blessing. I think it has been to her too. We're in similar places - most friends are married with children (or at least some on the way) and relationships change... but here we are - we're still here. So now we can hang out and be cool chicks and do fun stuff single girls can do :)
I seriously doubt you read this whole entry, but if you did - thank you. I've missed you, and being around... thanks for being here now, whenever you are.
Love,
rain.