Categories: uncategorized
Date: 08 June 2007 03:16:47
tonight i finally went someplace. i've been thinking about it for a long time. it took a great deal of courage and emotional energy to go... this evening i said to myself "Self, if you don't go now [for the 1st time] you'll never do it... and you're just delaying the inevitable."
so i picked myself up from my bootstraps, went someplace that may help me in my journey... a tool of sorts.
and the worst possible thing happened. i ran into someone from my past. it wasn't until i was already established in the group that i noticed this individual. i acknowledged this person. then couldn't believe G-D's sense of humor. His sense of humor? or was it murphy's law? karma? ...this person from my past is a significant reason why i needed / wanted / thought about going to this "someplace" ...which, with my dark sense of humor, i find funny.
i guess i'm at a better place - which is a good thing - because my heart didn't stop, i didn't get the sweats, i wasn't unsure, wasn't insecure... i was more irritated. irritated that i took a step forward, only to have my past slap me in the face - on both cheeks. i was bothered. had an attitude because i went someplace to begin healing, and this person 1) knows and 2) this person was there...in real life. my feelings have changed, my heart is healing... there were layers upon layers upon layers to heal... but those moments of recognition of pain and emotional trauma come less and less... which indicates (to me) healing has repaired some of the history.
i guess, in a way, i'm thankful the "worst possible scenario" happened at the beginning of this journey... if I choose to continue down this path, I won't be waiting for the other shoe to drop. it already happened. on day One.
i'm a strong person... strong woman... I have so much strength... I can do it. [edit]