Categories: uncategorized
Date: 01 August 2007 00:10:25
a few weeks after i turned 30 last year, i experienced a wave of funk. not happy, not depressed, just kindof... sad. i remember it being a difficult time. (actually, i think during this time nessa suggested i might want to join this community - i had never blogged before, but was curious about the culture. needless to say, you've each been a huge blessing to me)
but then i got through it... experienced a year with lots of highlights and some low ones, too. (this past year was incredibly stressful...)
i thought this year would be different - i've accomplished so much, and "things" are going well. overall, on paper, i'm very happy.
but i have a similar sadness again. my mother told me she would always cry on her birthday because she was "waiting for her life to start" ...so am i sad because i'm not where i thought i'd be by the time i was 31?
i have a house, a great job, dear friends (most of whom, unfortunately, are not *near*), i have good communication skills, i'm humble (just kidding), but.... overall things look great! so why am i sad?
how is it that i'm lonely, when i'm the one in control of who i see/what i do on a regular basis?
just today i invited several friends over for lunch. not all of them knew each other, so there were a few "mixing of the friends" and world collision moments.. it was nice, they were here - i SO enjoy having my home filled with family and friends and children. i had that great time today... so why am i so sad now?
i guess part of it may be due the fact that they left - they're gone. the house is empty. there's no one here but me. and i need a hug. yet i'm alone... i never thought i'd be 31 and not be a wife or significant other of someone special. where is he?! what am i doing? how is it working out like this...? what can i do? i have so much in my heart to give, and no one's taking. which floors me, because i feel i have so much to offer, and could be such a blessing... yes, i have flaws - who doesn't? yes, each experience makes me a better and stronger person, helps me grow. well i have news: i am sooooooooo tall. i'm ready... at least i think i am. and if i'm not, i hope to get there soon.... because i can't keep being so strong all the time. it's just me, myself, and i... and i'm strong because i have to be... but i'm so looking forward to the day when i can share some of the joys and responsibilities and challenges and excitements - life is sticky. it can be messy. but a healthy dose of humor, with lots of respect added to a foundation of friendship will just add so much. and i'm fully aware it will bring its own issues... but life is what you make it.
i've recently considered relocating - moving back to where i grew up, nearly 900 miles away. my parents are there, old dear friends are there... mountains and beaches and a "welcome home" feeling. not right away - but within the next two years. give myself one more year here... then start looking for a new job. (i looked up houses for sale in my price range - there are very few, and they're not very nice... so if i move to a new real estate market, i need to be prepared for significant changes in what i can afford. yet i bought my current house with thoughts of a husband and children - there are 4 bedrooms, an almost finished basement, a back yard with just enough room for a swing - definitely room to ride a bike in the driveway, it has great schools....so what: uproot myself from this so i can have more of the same someplace new? is a geographic shift a solution to the sadness? perhaps... but perhaps not) i have been thinking "what am i doing?!" where am i headed? with each choice and decision i make, am i setting myself further and further apart from my heart's desire? i'm not getting what i need... and i don't know who or how to ask.
i'm an east coast girl, with an east coast perspective, in the middle of the mid-west. very incongruent. is this my home? is this a temporary life station? am i the only crew member, or will we be adding in the future...? i don't know why G-d would give me this heart and personality if he designed me to be a childless singleton. i've considered being a single parent, but that has both benefits and drawbacks. and i want know that i'm ready before taking that leap... and want to make sure i'm being as fair as possible to any child i bring into my home.
i hope i'm not sending a mixed message out to the universe... perhaps i'm not finished cooking yet - perhaps HE's not finished with me yet. but i gotta tell you, i feel like if he gives me any more "strengthening activities" i might fall flat on my face. ...but then again, perhaps that's what HE's waiting for - but i don't know if i believe that.
i guess i'm just sad right now. and that's ok. one day, i'll come into my own. one day.
thanks for reading. you may now return to your regularly scheduled program.