Categories: uncategorized
Date: 26 May 2008 19:54:39
One of the reasons I haven't blogged quite so much of late is to do with the readership of my blog. Although I don't try to hide who I am online to who I am IRL, the borders were getting scarily shady - particularly when I was told that some of the siblings of some of the kids I teach (and some of the kids I teach) had found my wiblog. Anyway, there isn't really much point to this comment, except to point out that this is partially why I've been so rubbish about blogging.
But I wanted to share some of my thoughts from last night at church, cos I always think it's interesting to hear what 'you lot' think about things!!
I frequently wonder why I go to church, and particularly why I go to the church I do. I still go to the one I 'grew up' in, despite the fact that so so much has changed with me, with the church, with the people, with my attitude towards religion, with everything pretty much. The reason for continuing to go had always been to do with singing - because it was somewhere where the music was quite good and enjoyable, and where I got to do lots of different things musically, with not a huge amount of effort on my part.
I then took the Youth and Children's work job there, so when my voice 'went' a year and a half ago, that kept me there. I finished doing that job at Christmas and I still can't sing, but yet I still appear to be there and I don't really understand why.
I made two lists last night - one of reasons why to stay, and one of reasons why not to stay.
I started on the 'why to stay' and couldn't think of anything!! Having thought for a while, I did manage to come up with two reasons: going to church is the only time I sit quietly without 'doing' anything and I enjoy the peace, and because I want to belong somewhere / be part of a community. Neither of these reasons seemed very strong reasons as I could, in theory, do the peace / sitting anywhere, or at any church (although I guess it is somewhere 'safe' that I feel comfortable to do that), and the belonging thing also could, in theory, happen anywhere.
The reasons not to stay came much easier: the distance (I now live 25 mins drive from the church), I don't actually think I believe most of it all (I believe there is a God and that's about as far as it goes), I don't feel that I have many (any?) good 'friends' there any more even though I get on with / know most people, I can't sing so I get frustrated seeing the singing, and I (and one of the youth!) sometimes get frustrated by the poor use of the ICT type facilities which they have availible.
So why am I still there? I'm very reluctant / hesitant / scared of leaving, even though there seems to be no particular reason to stay.
There seems little point in going to a church closer to home as there'd be no reason at all to be there - part of the justification for going to my church is habit. But surely there comes a point when that reason doesn't work either.
Hmm... I can feel myself waffling now... I'll stop!